I may be drowning in the current, but... I don't care.
Is it simply because it's the end of the semester, and I just want it to be OVER and done with?
Do I need to take next semester off?
If so... what would I do?
Look for a job like everyone else?
If I take a semester off, would it just be that much harder to start up again?
Or do I just need to up my meds again?
3:14 am.
One paragraph done.
Out of five pages.
Due at noon.
An all-nighter is the goal.
But I've only gotten a single sentence out of myself, nay, not even a half of a sentence, in the past... five hours.
Normally, I'd be freaking out of my mind about now, fighting sleep, since you always feel like you'll drop dead when you've got a paper worth 20% of the final grade due the next day, and you can't even see the end of the tunnel, the end of the paper.
Maybe it's the PMS; my body being unbelievably sore and painful for no apparent reason, only explained by PMSing, or an oncoming flu.
The train sounds real close, sounding its horn... though it's not.
Wind bringing sound up to the hills will do that.
Trains aren't allowed to sound their horn in this town anymore, though they can in the next one we share more than borders with.
As well as a partially open window to keep me chilled and prevent the room from overheating because of this laptop.
I just can't stand heat.
I can't sleep without a blanket.
What do I need to do to motivate myself?
Should I accept it, and just give up?
I can't do that.
I'd be far too disappointed in myself.
Didn't mean for this to be a "boo hoo, I hate the world. *slice wrists*" kind of post. Especially since it's the first one in a while. First one of the new year (sad, right?).
I just... needed to get it out. Sometimes, getting it out helps organize things in my mind so I can shuffle through them and decide.
Besides, it's not like anyone reads this crap.
Well... like they say. A low grade is better than no grade.
I don't know who "they" is, to be honest. I just tell this to myself like some kind of mantra, hoping it will... heighten my abilities, and give me new strength from beyond... like some sage in India.
["I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita; Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and, to impress him, takes on his multi-armed form and says, 'Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.' I suppose we all thought that, one way or another."}