Oh my god...
9:35 AM - Thursday, March 24, 2011
I can't believe he just did that.
I tell him I'm really fragile, and that I've been crying off and on for a while, he says he's sorry, I said he wasn't, and then he just... kicked my knees out from under me. Metaphorically, at least.
Now I'm left sobbing my eyes out.
What an asshole.
Labels: guys
It's times like these
12:08 AM
when I feel so fucking appreciated.
I can't do enough.
I can't ever do enough.
I'll never be good enough, will I?
Awesome.
There are just times like these when I feel like he's being selfish.
And that because I don't exactly like how I feel I'm being treated, and because I feel like having time to myself, I'M being a selfish bitch.
Am I a selfish bitch?
I think I am.
Even if he gets frustrated whenever I call myself anything negative.
I'm just gonna go cry myself to sleep because he can't not spend time with me 24/7, and I can't spend time with him 24/7.
Fuck.
Some days I just want to lay in bed all day and not come in contact with another human being.
Is that really so bad?
It's kind of funny
4:00 AM - Saturday, March 12, 2011
Yes, it's horrible.
Yes, it is a disaster.
Yet... remarkable.
People are worried out of their minds about Japan.
Not that they shouldn't.
But it's... kind of funny how... well the country has held up. As in... It could've been FAR FAR worse.
"The Great Hanshin earthquake"
1995
6.8 mag
Over 6000 died.
From toppled buildings and falling debris. No giant tsunami.
THAT quake is what has prevented even worse damage and casualties than what happened yesterday.
Over 180 aftershocks. That is fucking insane.
At this point, with such strong aftershocks, I'm asking how they can tell what is an earthquake or just another aftershock...
I've heard it's the 7th worst earthquake (in recorded history), then the 5th worst... then 3rd... then 5th a lot... then 7th...
Make up your mindddd.
[This place is death}
5:17 AM - Wednesday, March 09, 2011
It wouldn't be the end of the world to not turn it in.
But my own expectations.... my boyfriend's expectations that add to the weight...
I can't not try.
I don't want to be on the receiving end of that sigh. Of that gentle disappointment in his voice and eyes.
I'll get a C if I do well on the final... if I don't do this paper.
But I want to turn it in.
But I don't want it to be a measly one page when the required is 5.
3 is reasonable.
3 is the target.
Sleepiness is really catching up to me. Like I said before, once you start getting serious about it, your body would much rather go in a coma.
{I know you feel the same]
{...And I'm so lost in the tide, I don't know which way is up}
3:09 AM
...But I don't care.I may be drowning in the current, but... I don't care.
Is it simply because it's the end of the semester, and I just want it to be OVER and done with?
Do I need to take next semester off?
If so... what would I do?
Look for a job like everyone else?
If I take a semester off, would it just be that much harder to start up again?
Or do I just need to up my meds again?
3:14 am.
One paragraph done.
Out of five pages.
Due at noon.
An all-nighter is the goal.
But I've only gotten a single sentence out of myself, nay, not even a half of a sentence, in the past... five hours.
Normally, I'd be freaking out of my mind about now, fighting sleep, since you always feel like you'll drop dead when you've got a paper worth 20% of the final grade due the next day, and you can't even see the end of the tunnel, the end of the paper.
Maybe it's the PMS; my body being unbelievably sore and painful for no apparent reason, only explained by PMSing, or an oncoming flu.
The train sounds real close, sounding its horn... though it's not.
Wind bringing sound up to the hills will do that.
Trains aren't allowed to sound their horn in this town anymore, though they can in the next one we share more than borders with.
As well as a partially open window to keep me chilled and prevent the room from overheating because of this laptop.
I just can't stand heat.
I can't sleep without a blanket.
What do I need to do to motivate myself?
Should I accept it, and just give up?
I can't do that.
I'd be far too disappointed in myself.
Didn't mean for this to be a "boo hoo, I hate the world. *slice wrists*" kind of post. Especially since it's the first one in a while. First one of the new year (sad, right?).
I just... needed to get it out. Sometimes, getting it out helps organize things in my mind so I can shuffle through them and decide.
Besides, it's not like anyone reads this crap.
Well... like they say. A low grade is better than no grade.
I don't know who "they" is, to be honest. I just tell this to myself like some kind of mantra, hoping it will... heighten my abilities, and give me new strength from beyond... like some sage in India.
["I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita; Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and, to impress him, takes on his multi-armed form and says, 'Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.' I suppose we all thought that, one way or another."}