Waking up is a bad way to start any day.

I especially hate the days when you can hardly bring yourself to get out of bed in the morning.
One of these days, I'm just going to sucumb to that hopelessness, and just stay in bed until I can no longer stand it.

I was reading some of my past entries (physical journal entries that I recently compiled into one folder... er... two. I don't want to touch that first binder just yet. I recall a lot of anger and sadness in that one. Plus, my storytelling and explanations aren't as clear as they are now.
Anyway, I'm kinda randomly going through it and marking entries that really caught me, and I hope to get them up here. And it'll have the date that I wrote it....

I want to skip out on Tiff's birthday party on Saturday... so I can lay in bed and wonder. But I'd feel absolutely terrible. Skipping out on both of her 2 birthday parties.... And she's 18! I've got to be there to make memories, watch a movie... and hang for 10 hours or whatever it is. She's even wanting us to stay the night. No. Way. Not doing it. I'd do it for Brooke, but not for Tiff. Not even if she was dying. Alright, that sounds a bit harsh. But... just not now. A year maybe... I won't explain why.... other than I'm not that fond of sleeping at other people's houses. I sleep bad enough at hotels, man.

I'm gonna go to bed or whatever now.

I noticed that I haven't written about my life in a while.
So I'll go ahead and tell about yesterday.
It was odd day.

Um... we had an assembly that day. Not like any old assembly. We also had advisory, which went along side the assembly...
Um... so we went to 1st period, then half the school went to 2nd, and the other half went to the assembly (an inspirational-type speaker. Matt... something), then they did a switcharoo. Those that HAD 2nd period went to the assembly, while the others WENT to 2nd period. AKA, there was no 3rd period.

I thought the assembly was boring... overall. I didn't really learn anything or get inspired. It made me depressed. And I'll tell you one of the main reasons it made me depressed.

There was a part in the assembly where the Matt guy got us all relaxed, and he told us to close our eyes and visualize what our lives would be like in 10 years.
"Imagine that you are waking up in your bed. What do the sheets feel like? Look around the room? What does it look like? Is there a window? Does it have a view? Are you married? Is there someone laying next to you?"
And he takes us through getting out of bed, going to the bathroom and looking at ourselves in the mirror, getting dressed, going to work. That type of thing.

And it seems like the first thing that comes to mind is subconscious.

I woke up in a white room. The walls were white and bare except for one... maybe two paintings on the wall. The sheets on the bed were white, and it was just that single white sheet over us. Us. There was a lump of a body laying next to me. I didn't know if it was a boyfriend or husband. The blinds on the window were half-opened. Sun shone through blindingly. In the room there was... I want to say just the bed. I saw no tv or dresser... or anything. There may have been nightstands... I don't know.

In the bathroom, at first there was no one in the mirror looking back. Then it was a person I didn't recognize. She was really pretty. Shiny, long, straight hair... narrow nose.... It wasn't me.
I couldn't pay attention enough to Matt to imagine dressing, or what I took to work, or even concentrate on what job I DID have. There were no kids, I know. Me and Caitlin laughed when Matt asked if there were signs of children. The kitchen/living room was out of a magazine. Brown and silver. Gleaming countertops. Shiny silver stools as seats at the counter. Like in a... bar or something.

It was the waking up in an entirely white and bland bedroom that scared me.
Ever seen Garden State? It starts out with Zach Braff's character laying in a white bed, staring that the ceiling fan. The walls are completely white and have nothing on them. And he just lays there all day. He feels numb. He feels no emotion. He has no motivation.
...Am I going to be like that? Maybe I am like that already. No... I feel way too much sadness to have no emotion. To be numb.

Maybe I had such a hard time imagining what it would be like to be happy to go to work, and be willing to get out of that bed... because of what I'm feeling right now. The unmotivation, and general sadness.... It's hard to imagine me being ridiculously happy. I've just been in such a hole lately. I think I dug this hole myself... I don't know...

[[Haha. "I think I've seen this floor before." I really like Flight of the Conchords. I'm getting into that Important Things with Dmetri Martin show, as well. Watch it, man.]]



Have you seen the commercial for Street Fighter IV? Dude. The music in that is SICK PUPPIES!!! The song's called "Street Fighter (War)" and it's actually really good. I love it.



Oh, and I have recently become obsessed with Nate Barcalow. Obsessed.


Oh hells yes.

And that it will happen...

I'm trying to think about other problems rather than my own. That way it makes them seem smaller and not so important.

I want things to happen. Stuff like world peace, and the economy, happiness in people's lives, getting over things.... Just... everything.


But... on the personal level... I just want to be happy with what I have. I just wonder how long it will take for a guy to come along...
I try to cheer myself up (and so does my mom), saying that my mom didn't meet a guy until after college.
Well... that's a hell of a long time.

...At this point I don't care when it happens... just that it will.
And that I will... eventually be confident in myself.
That I will think I am pretty among others, even if it's just my friends.


And that is all I really wish right now.

I recall doing this before. I doubt last year, more like the year before. And I was pissed because artists won that didn't deserve it JUST because they were old and simply their name appeals to the Grammy peps. Grammy people have favorites.

So, this year. Best rock song:

Girls In Their Summer Clothes (Bruce Springsteen)
House Of Cards (Radiohead)
I Will Possess Your (Death Cab For Cutie)
Sex On Fire (Kings Of Leon)
Violet Hill (Coldplay)

Guess who won? Bruce Springsteen. Mutiny, man!! "Sex On Fire" is a really awesome song as well as "Violet Hill" and "House Of Cards". "I Will Possess Your Heart" is really good as well, and the beginning is lovely sounding. Never even heard that 5th song, but I highly doubt it could be better than "Sex On Fire". I really do.

At least "Sex On Fire" won Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals. Against AC/DC, Coldplay, Eages, and Radiohead, even.

Haha, dude! Daft Punk won 2 Grammys!

Dude. I have subscribers on Photobucket.

HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?!

I've got 2.
I was surprised to find out that you could find out who was stalking YOU.
Um, go to the Subscriptions tab thing, click edit, and under My Subscriptions, are your stalkers!!

I think it's pretty wickedly awesome. And it's gonna make me unprivatize most of my albums. Unprivatize is SO a friggin word!

Is it just me, or does anyone else LOVE full moons?

I don't mean like... loving to look at the moon when it's full... or near full...
But, I love the why it saturates all the colors.
I love the feeling that you're walking into a black and white world.
I love how I can't find my grey cat when she's laying in the dirt.
I love to go outside at night during the full moons and just... look around at everything. It feels like a completely different world.

I just love full moons, alright?

Big hair.

Small jeans.



(It's totally not pathetic that I JUST really noticed it)

I freaking hate my life right now. I really don't care what others will say to that, I just hate it. Okay... maybe I hate mankind more. And then it proportionally makes my life worse, since I spend every minute of my life with these idiots.
I do realize EVERYONE has to deal with these idiots, but I don't think anyone feels like I do about these TWO certain idiots.
I hate myself for caring about them so much. And reacting so much.


So... let's see... a few days ago, I was quite positive that Donut and Sarah were no longer going out.

Last night, I started talking with my mom about guys, and ended up crying yet again. Like every other time I talk about guys. She told me stuff she never said before. Maybe it was the way I was saying what I wanted to get across.... how I feel depressed, and it seems to all revolve around guys. And I hate it.

Alright, then today, I get to school and I see... Donut with his arms around Sarah.
W.T.F.
On the way to 4th, Sarah was walking with Donut to his class (our class), since she has lunch... I was ahead of them, and Sarah said my name, turned around, another w.t.f. moment in my head, and I waved furiously. So then I start walking with them and then I hear Michelle call my name. So I groan and then wait for them (Michelle and Caitlin)
So then I whisper to them "Didn't they break up?"
To which Caitlin whispered back "They got back together."
"What? That's so stupid." Which I didn't whisper, but it wasn't loud.
Nobody responded to it.


So... if I wasn't despressed yesterday, then I DEFINITELY am now.
I'm gonna quit talking about it now... and go sulk somewhere.

I think I just might be okay with how it is at the moment.

1st is Stats. Same ol', same ol'

2nd is On Your Own with Samo... with Michelle, Caitlin, Katie, Jenny, Frank, Keely, and many others including Dallas, Taylor... this class is friggin PACKED.

3rd is CWP w/ Isaacson still. But about half the people are different. This class should be more vocal... I also noticed this guy I had never recalled seeing before. He has a few tattoos on his arms. Including a star on one of his elbows. Like a bold outline of a star. And he has plugs. Like at the perfect size.

I had to wait in line during lunch/4th to get my schedule changed.
I noticed Richard had 1st lunch... aw well. Nothing was happening anyway.
Then I went to 4th period... Film as Lit (yes, again...). Imagine my surprise when I saw Donut in that class. Holy crap. I did NOT expect that.
And I have to say, it feels so awkward for me to be in that class again. It's the SAME, but the classmates make it totally DIFFERENT.

Lunch. 2nd lunch really does make the day go by faster. I will love this.
We hung around/with Donut most of the lunch. Can you say HEAVENLY? Even though it took him like 20 minutes to really, really talk to us. Before, we had to talk to him. Then like 5 minutes after he moved closer to us, he started making witty remarks and responses to what we were talking about.

Dude. I don't think I will ever get over how cute Donut is. It always seems to take my breath away. I am friggin serious. God. And his skin. I love his skin. It's pale and he doesn't seem to have much acne. Or at least not that I can tell. Lucky.

5th English with Ms. B again. More than half of the class is different, and it seems smaller. I still got Steph and Tiff. Now I have Frisbee, Orion, and that new guy. We had to do this project today, and since I left my envelope at home (I took it out for finals), I had to go to that evil turn in thingy with people's left over words. Which sucked. So me, Jacob, and a few others were searching. And that new guy came up (but I didn't realize it at the time), and he was the one that started talking, I think. About the words. Like "This should be for a girl." And so, we were like... indirectly talking. And I think I made him laugh. Oh, I knew it was him, because I saw the tats on his arms.

6th is Japanese. Same ol'.



...holy crap. I don't think they're going out anymore.
=0