Mood: Sick, alone
Listening to: My thoughts... and the TV

The world needs more empathy, don't you think?

I mean, at times most of the world seems like these lifeless robots... and if we ever do feel emotion, it always seems to be negative. Mostly hate. If cars could run on hate, we wouldn't need fossil fuels anymore.


...Just something that's been running through my head most of the day.

Mood: Headachy
Listening to: GLP (Techno-y!)

The desks got moved in the Japanese class (because it's shared with a math class), so I set my stuff down around where I usually sat, and went back out to talk to Michelle and Steph. I come back, and my backpack's where I left it, the desk with my book on it got moved back, and the traitor Caitlin (who I thought would sit next to me) was sitting on the other side of the room with Cassy. The desks were in pairs, if you haven't guessed.
So I just stood there. Bryan (the other guy) was sitting in the seat next to my book, and he said that I could sit with him if I wanted, because he was all alone... And I said "okay" or something, and he said... something about having a 3rd year... or something.
I swear he had this subtle sad puppy look about him...

He didn't talk much. We did a test, and had to listen to Ben explaining to Sensei how he didn't want to go to this assembly that she's forcing us to stay after school for tomorrow.

He pops his joints a lot.
And this one time, Sensei was talking to him about studying with his exchange students (whom the assembly is for/by. They'll only be here a couple of days, but there's like 40 of them). And after she left, I repeated something she said I found funny: "You can flash cards at each other."
He did look at me and chuckled a bit.

=D

Mood: Alone
Listening to: "Hit The Floor" by Bullet For My Valentine

I was thinking about that saying a bit ago.
How we compare bossy people to God, or some other godly character.
Do people worship God because they're scared? Do they actually love him? The whole religion thing just doesn't make much sense to me other than to give the illusion that is life a purpose. To give a reason that we're alive. That we experience life. To give hope.

I was going through journal entries the other day, and one that caught my eye was from like 2006. I talk about how it's cruel that Christian's only have a choice between heaven and hell, black and white.... Who was the last person you met that was either of those?
Everyone and everything is grey.
So... where do all the grey people go?

-~-~-~-~

Why was I feeling so alone again, today?
...I don't really recall anything, except that I was down. When I'm down and want to be alone, the hood goes up. Like, my sweater hood. Not a metaphor hood... thing....
There's something about knowing you're being covered by this fabric that's... comforting. It's like a hug you've been needing....
And why am I tearing up? I hate being so emotionable. Yes, I'm on my period... but that doesn't feel like a good enough excuse at the moment.

....What is it about Bullet For My Valentine that... makes me want to drown in their music?

I guess I feel so alone because... well, I just feel so ugly... and alone... guy-wise. And yes, Richard was looking at me again at lunch, but then I was mad at myself cause I couldn't get the nerve to look bad at him for more than a millisecond.



OH!! Before I forget, something absolutely HILARIOUS happened at school today.
We were sitting at the table, when Kevin (actor, long curly hair) came by and asked Michelle if he could ask her a question before asking another question. He asked if he could ask her the most awkward question ever, and that someone told him that Michelle was the person to ask an awkward question. Michelle was timidly asking what the person had said, and mainly who had suggested her.
By now, we were already cracking up.
The rest of us urged him to go on with it.
He said that it was a completely hypothetical question, and that people over at another table still thought he was actually serious.
Get on with it!
So he casually had already sat down, and put his arm over her shoulder. And basically said "What if, it was night... and I came into your bedroom...."
We started dying.
"And I sat next to you on the bed, and gently touched your luscious lips... and you suddenly woke up. What would you do?"
He had more detail in it, but that was the gist of it.
I seriously thought I was going to die from laughter.
Michelle said that it reminded her of this one time at night, and the balloon in her room moved and she thought someone was in there, so she started screaming, and her brother said "Shut the fuck up!"
Oh, but she didn't really have an answer to the question. It was "That'd be weird."

...One of those "You had to be there to fully enjoy it" type of moments.

Kevin shared how he would do it to (random?) people, and his favorites were guys that responded with "I'd so kill you, man!"



Umm... I'm just gonna stop there... yeah... =/
Sorry.

Emo Kid.
One of the new "kids"... well, like the major one...
His name's Andrew John M...something.... Don't look at me like that. In the library, we were given a binder with EVERYONE'S picture, name, barcode. We have to scan the freshman's barcode and make their account. So we totally snooped. There's this poor kid with the last name Snodgrass... it's sad.
Emo Kid doesn't really call Michelle emo anymore. Apparently he only seems to do it when his friends are around. One time, he even waved and said "Hi" to her. That absolutely settled the "He's got a crush on her" thing... for me at least.

Um, we finally had our first assembly today. Like a pep, since the football team is playing Camas. It's absolutely freaky how many people were "spirited" today.
Oh, and remember Ray Mullen? He's a football player.

I hardly see Busboy. And the only time I'm really "near" him, is if by some coincidence, we're walking close by to and from 2nd period. I've got Film as Lit, and he's got CT Algebra (with Nick. I only really found this out cause of a fire drill. And so I asked Nick what class he had). That same period, Poofy Hair and Tiny Kid have either wood shop or whatever else is there.

Umm... so... yeah, so I see Richard a TON. I'm not sure if I'm happy or annoyed. Annoyed cause... I'm not sure if I should look at him or start talking. It's usually... passing each other... Umm... on the way to 1st I see him. I don't think I see him to 2nd or 3rd. Same lunch. Both have upstairs 4th, and I very often see him. I don't think to 5th, but I have seen him to 6th. I think he's got CT Algebra 6th.
The other day Michelle and I were waiting by the library doors for Steph, so we could all walk to 6th period together, and I saw Richard walking... then looked the other way for Steph, then all of a sudden, he's next to me, as if he's going to go in the library, but then he seems to doubt himself, looking around... and I don't remember what else.
I tried to explain in the text message... walking back to the commons, and after a bit, I had the feeling that I had to look over my left shoulder, so I did, and he was no more than 1 foot away from me. With that blank look on his face. I, almost too quickly, turned by head back. Then I had to fit through Caitlin and someone else, and I felt something... just something... I assume it was his leg touch... not touch... run into my thigh area. For some reason, I seemed to act like I almost tripped, and kind of ran into Caitlin, or something. It was weird. I almost did fall down in the process.

Did I ever say he hangs with Bryan? Yeah...
Mrs. Dillon gave me a king size pack of Red Vines... cause like she didn't get around to making my cake yesterday (yes, being a library aide is just plain awesome). I ate half of it myself, 1/4 was eaten by Michelle and Ivander got 1. One for Sensei, Steph, Nick, and Sean McCarty (Caitlin declined). I got up to throw the empty package away, and Bryan asked for one. I bet you can imagine what was going through my head. I froze and said somewhat blankly, showing him "It's empty..." but he asked for it anyway, smelled it, and said it smelled good before he threw it away.
Crap.
Can't believe I gave that last piece to Sean.

Whoa... deva ju. Like... deva ju OF having deja vu.
I have deja vu sooo much. And I always say it aloud.

Wow... off-tracked-ness.

DUDE!! There's a German exchange student, and I've heard that he's ranked either 6th or 7th in the world. Not sure if it's the best dancer, best all-around dancer, best male dancer...
But, yeah. He danced in front of the entire school. It was absolutely hilarious. At first, I wasn't sure I should laugh, but yeah... it made him look incredibly gay, and I do certainly wonder if he is... He danced to this mix of a ton of songs, and did different styles, doing what was fitting for the song. And it was hilarious. I wish I had got in on my phone, and I DID think about it, but then, I figured not to. I definitely will next time, though. Casey Pearson did get some...
I need to find out the kid's name...
Then I'll try to find it on YouTube or Myspace.

But, later, I was on my way to wait to be picked up by my brother, and the German kid was going to the tennis court, I think. I couldn't help but smile (partially at the shirt he still had on), and I said stupidly "You're good". He said thanks... and he really doesn't sound German. He's got an accent, but it's not harsh... or German sounding. "You're good...." ugh.... I could've at least put "really" in there. "You're good" sounds like a comment, but the lowest comment you could give.

So, I'm 18 now...
I feel old.

And I have to say that I'm absolutely pissed at myself and everything around me.

Just one of those days, I guess.

I want people to shut the hell up and stop asking me questions.

Such as Steph's text a little bit ago: "Do we have anything 2 read 2day?!?!?!?!?!??!?" Because, it's Steph, and all her texts sound incredibly desperate.

First, she obviously wasn't paying all that attention in class. I thought it was clear as daylight when Buchanan said that we were to keep the books, but we wouldn't read anymore out of it. Because we were starting projects on the book.

Secondly, why does she even ask if she HASN'T read ALL the past readings?
Maybe today's test finally whacked some sense in her.
...It's RIDICULOUS how few people actually READ. That's what I guess I miss from "advanced" English. People actually cared, and worked for their grade. I'm just so pissed at my class sometimes. I mean, I read that last chapter ON THE BUS. It's SHORT. And the last one, called "Usher II" was actually interesting, also pretty short, and I read it right before bed, when I remembered.
It's not hard! And yet, these people make it seem like the most difficult in the thing to do. You'd think you'd read more with the "threat" of a quiz the next day, and for the fact that English is REQUIRED. You're not going to graduate if you fail English.


And I'm kinda pissed at Caitlin.
She can be so incredibly loud and annoying. During lunch today, she'd randomly break into the "Waffle Song" or whatever. I wanted to bash her face in. I'm thinking it's cause I just got from a serious class discussion about abortion, and then 5 minutes later, this... person is singing about how they love waffles and whatnot.
Then I snapped at her when she seemed confused as to why Sensei would be mad at her when she wasn't paying attention... which is exactly IT. With a class 1/3 full of slow 2nd years, as a teacher, I'd want at least one student that I could rely on to do something.
And if you're not feeling good around Caitlin, she doesn't seem to care. That bugs me a bit. If I have a headache, I'd kind of appreciate if she was quieter. Humans need sympathy, and she doesn't really provide it.

Then I'm only slightly pissed at Michelle, because if she and Tiff are both at school, you can bet your soul that they are going to spend the entire lunch at Tiff's house. And the rest of us (ok, me) are spent with no one to really TALK to at lunch, trying to block out Caitlin talking about songs/videos on YouTube, Richard Cheese (or whoever), things on Gaia, and cute stuff that she just got... and I really don't care!
Wow, look at that subject change...

But it's true.


And it's times like this when I feel alone... when I feel I have no REAL friends, a person I can go to for whatever whenever, and they won't try to change to subject.
And I want to have a MEANINGFUL conversation. Something that sparks something other than the impulse to hit my conversee. (That's totally a word now. I don't care what you say Spell Checker)


I feel like I'm surrounded by kids. And I mean like elementary kids. The ones that are too young to know better, or are arrogant to things that happen around them.

I have a feeling that I am going to regret some of the things I feel like saying... but I just have to say it, have it heard... and such.

I'm really not for Obama or McCain.
But if I HAD to choose either one, I'd choose Obama.

Why?
McCain is opposed to abortion and gay marriage, but thinks the marriage thing should be up to the states. But mainly cause he seems to strongly believe in this "war." And yes, I always call it a "war," because... well, it's called "The War On Terror," but isn't terror an idea? An emotion? I heard it was short for "Terrorism," but you're really not going to fully get rid of that, either, are you?
I just think it's stupid.

Whereas Obama felt that women should have their voices heard about abortion, and even though he's opposed to gay marriage, and thinks it should be up to the states as well, he thinks that gay equality is much more important that marriage. Which is true.
Crap, I can't remember what else I liked about him... other than he doesn't like the "war."


But yeah, so I mainly wanted to talk about abortion and gay marriage/rights.
Black, white, asian, mexican, gay, straight, male or female, it should NOT matter. We are all people.
And don't you just hate it when you are told to be who you are, and then you end up being this gay, pierced, tattooed, dyed-hair person, and suddenly you're being ridiculed for just being who you are.

And abortion...
I am pro-choice. Let's say I was on birth control, having safe... yeah, with a guy, and got pregnant. If you REALLY know me, you know I have a phobia for being pregnant and child-birth in general. I doubt I will EVER have kids.
Or what if I was raped? Even if I wasn't so afraid of pregnancy, I don't think I'd want to have my rapist's kid. Are you kidding me?
I'm... opposed to partial-birth abortion, though. I just think that's wrong. I don't really see why someone would WAIT so long to get an abortion, but hey, it's someone else's body, not mine. And I think women should have a choice, and not have so many... males tell me that "Abortion is murder" or something about God...

I just hate how politics are so fueled by Christianity. Not everyone shares the same beliefs about religion, and so I don't want to have my life ruled by... these rules I just don't believe in. I just don't GET why Christians can get so bloody sensitive and unruly about homosexuality and abortion. Like, I get it, but... SO WHAT?
At least Obama strongly believes in the separation of church and state.


~-~-
Side note: Whoo!! 200 posts!

Kay, I just wanted to write this, realizing I haven't really told you guys anything about school.

It's fine, it really is.
It's got less of Busboy in it, is the thing.
Other than that, it's pretty great.

First period, I have Ignoffo. AP Stats. And yes, I know. But I know more than half the class already, and there's like 15 people in that class at the most. It's got Nicole Cooper, so I'm good. Okay, maybe not, but whatever. It seems it's gonna be a pretty easy class... at the moment... well, easier than Pre-Cal, that's for sure! Um, but yeah, in that class I have Britt, Higley, Desiree, Kesleigh, LouAnne, Curtis (Ugh), Spencer (eh), the Spain kid, Karen Tanner, Bethany (or however the hell you spell it), like 2 or three other juniors, and I think I'm forgetting a few...

Second is... Film Lit with Gregerson. That class is PACKED and it seems it's gonna be easy expect for the (no less than) 10 essays we have to write on at least 10 movies... I can still drag through it though. I've got Curtis in this class as well. Ugh. And this freshman who by the end of the first day was known as "Segway" (as in to get to one point from another). That kid is bloody annoying.

Then I pass Elf Kid on the way to 3rd (haha). Which is CWP with Isaacson. It's gonna be interesting. (I have this class with Curtis, too) Today we all found out that his ideal President is like a stoned guy from the flower power age. It's awesome! He said today that humor in the classroom is good, because it counteracts with the serious stuff we have to talk about, and so we get balance and stuff. Yeah.
All electronic devices are banned in that classroom. Especially recorders. No recorders in Isaac's room. That's why you write down every single funny thing he says. I should probably do that... well, more.

Then I've got 1st lunch. With everyone else. Cause Caitlin played the "Senior Card" to move to Honor's Chem with Michelle 4th period... which they happen to share with Holds Himself Kid. No joke.
Busboy DOES have that lunch, but I don't see him much cause... he's short... and like all his friends seemed to have gotten taller... and of course all the standing freshman. But I spent like 6 minutes in the vending machine hallway with him today. And my friends and his friends. Whoo. Yeah. They didn't have pretzels, man! What is up with that?! ...Sorry...

Then I have 4th period with Buchanan and Senior English (yes, I did have her last year for AP Junior Eng. But I'm not the only one in the classroom she had last year as well. There's 2 others.) with Steph and Tiffany. And Taylor Cooke... who I used to have a bit of a crush on in fresh and soph year... did you know that? Well, anyway, he cut his hair last year so it's short. Like he can't be mistaken for a girl from the back short. And yes, it does make him cuter. I'm not going to waste my time crushing on him, though. Kay?

Kay, and 5th is different than what it used to be.
I'll tell you what it used to be. I used to have Honors Chem, which I took cause me and Michelle were going to sign up together so we could partner up and get SOME work done. And she has it 4th. In my class, I had like 4 seniors, and like 5 freshman, I KNEW people, but they had people they'd rather partner up with. Even Busboy's friend. The smart one. He's in that class....
NOW, after freaking out a bit, and running all over the place and being places at times I felt I should be somewhere else today, I am now... well, a LIBRARY AIDE. With Michelle. Oh yeah. How'd I pull it of? Luck, man. LUCK. And the "Senior Card". Michelle switched out of Clay (which she had with Steph) to be an aide, and since Steph took the last slot in the class, and Michelle got out, who replaced Michelle? Poofy Hair. So Steph has Poofy in her clay class. I can so imagine kids throwing clay in his hair.

So Michelle said I could be an LA, and so I went to the counselor, and Hogan was free, so I talked to her, saying that I wanted to switch cause I was afraid of getting behind, and she said like "Well, you do have a lot of core classes" (AP Stats, English, CWP, Japanese 3... I wanted to laugh, cause even though they might sound impressive... Stats and Jap... not so much) Asked how many years of science I'd done, and then she asked if I had asked the library, and I said no, so she said, "Well, when you get the signature, just come right back to me, and just come right in my office, and we'll be done." I was in an out of that office in 2 minutes.
Senior, man.
Mrs. Stanton was in there, and she said she'd like it, but it was up to Mrs. Dillon, who was having lunch. So after 4th, I went down to the library, asked Mrs. Dillon, who gave this large gasp "I would!" (if she'd like me to be a library aide). Cause I was her TA back in 8th grade. She loved me. Sometimes her pregnancy hormones got in the way of it, but she loved me.
Instant Library Aide.
Well, I waited by the chairs in the Center a while, because she seemed to be talking to someone important for a while, then like 5 minutes later she saw me and called me over.
So me and Michelle are going to do nothing for a period everyday. Well, Dillon is having us be the directors and create a Library Orientation Video for future generations to see and laugh over. No, we don't have to be in the video. Or else that video would have one of us talking, starting to laugh, cut, a different angle, because we are putting together our best stuff, and cheesy subtitles because we can't get out a proper sentence without cracking up.
No, we're getting real actors.
"Crazy actors" that Gregerson said he could provide... he was in the library at the right time, and she magically got that idea that instant... yeah...

Um.... so yeah.... Then I've got Japanese. Sensei's got her own room... that she's sharing with someone... but yeah. So, this year the 2nd and 3rd years were combined AGAIN (Sweet! Less work for me!). And even though both years shed some souls, the room is still PACKED. And Busboy's friend is in that class...

Which reminds me... Busboy's got Spanish when I have English. So we're in the same hallway going the same direction. Yeah...

Who else is in the Japanese class? Phyllis!! =D
Oh yeah, I didn't tell you about Phyllis.
The first day in Jap, Sensei had us stand up and walk around and introduce ourselves to 3 people we don't know. I met... Brian, Mickey (Krystal Ruby, but she changed her name and acted like she didn't know my name... how many times has she said it? Last year, in Jap Club), and Andy. Well, before Andy (who I did a far away handshake with... yeah, it was kinda weird thinking back), Bryan (Dollar Kid), bends over a desk, holding his hand out to me, and I had to bend a bit, too. But yeah, he shook MY HAND (=D) and said "Phyllis"
Throughout the rest of the period, I found out that he's got a lot of nicknames. And he's really funny.
After that, we had to stand up individually and say who (in the class) we were most impressed by. And like, well, there's 2 "Bri/yan"s, right? So one kid stands and say's "Brian..." Bryan goes "Yes!" "...Price" "What?!"
...Kind of "you had to be there" moment. It was just the body language and his expression was hilarious.
And today he seemed really down. He wasn't outgoing. He was quiet. Sensei asked what was wrong, but he said he was fine.
Crap, I can't believe I'm saying this... but when I thought it couldn't get any better... we were translating some words on a board on a diff wall, and I had to sit sideways, and, so, well, I glanced at him... and guess what? No, he wasn't looking at me. He has glasses. *heavenly choir*
Yes, I'm a freakin sucker for glasses. It's sad. I know. I can't help it.


Well that only took over an hour to write. Crap...
And I just scrolled back to the top, and holy crap, it's freaking long. Sorry!! =/

My schedule.
It's all over the place:

1. Ignoffo
2. Gregerson
3. Isaacson
Lunch
4. Buchanan
5. Stanton
6. Fuchigami

AKA, I have THREE classes upstairs, none next to each other. I have to go up and down the effing stairs 3 times a day.
And, I have to go from one side of the school (Ignoffo) , to the other (Gregerson), then upstairs (Isaacson).

I really hope I don't have to carry around too much crap.

Well, my bus ride home was hell on earth.


I mean, what the fuck were the admin thinking?!?!

First, they start high school 20 minutes early, and EVEN THOUGH it gets out 20 minutes early, we get on the bus, and go to the middle school to pick up tiny kids full of angst.


Our world has been turned upside down.


I've lived in this town my WHOLE LIFE. The younger kids are always picked up first. THEN the bus moves onto the older kids.

That's how it HAS been, and that's how it should STAY.


Of course, my nightmare on the bus was NOT helped at all by the 95 degree weather, the meanest driver, and the bus with the worst brakes.

My god, I had a headache before I got on the bus, but it was nothing compared to what I came off with... almost 50 minutes later.


And I KNOW that I can't walk home in 50 minutes, but after that ride, I am willing to give it a try. Even if 90% is uphill. Okay, maybe 70%. But only like 5% is downhill.


I guess this is what I get for not having a driver's license...


But yeah, my first day back? It was surprising good... until the bus ride. It totally ruined my week.
*sulks*

Well, this summer was quite awesome.


It had Breaking Dawn
It had freaking adorable Wall-e... what other movies did I see?....

Anyway, but of course the highlight was Elf Kid, man. This summer was absolutely full of the Elfster, and the screams and laughter when we saw him. And the pictures, man. So many pictures. And a video of Michelle screaming.


=D


What else?
Michelle standing on a dead fish in the Washougal River by Hathaway, when she thought it was just a slippery fish.

Belgium chocolate and the horrors surrounding it.

The guy from Walgreens, and seeing him at Camas Days and at Borders for the midnight party of Breaking Dawn.

Smores.

Demonic Marshmallow Face.

Foam noodles. And beating up Chris with them.

Me going down to Burns, Oregon, for no reason... well, a family reunion... but I read BD the entire time.

Me getting the weirdest sunburn I've ever had... you can still see the now tan oddness.


Oh, and the concerts.
How could I forget about the concerts?
Kill Hannah, The Medic Droid, Innerpartysystem, and The White Tie Affair with Kevin and Emmy.

Scary Kids Scaring Kids, FINCH!!, Foxy Shazam, and Tickle Me Pink with Steph and Michelle. Finch is godly. I just had to wedge that in there.



I think I have to say that this was the best summer I've ever had.

And it's over...
=(

And I've got to go to school in less than an hour... I really should get ready, shouldn't I?