%PLAY THAT SONG :: [[A Dark Soul]] .:. [v 5.0]

welcome to

{A Dark Soul}

navigate using the bars above

I N S P I R E

things that will change your life

[S O N G S.}

ONE. "Reduced to Teeth" - Finch
TWO: "Anything Can Happen In The Next Half Hour..." - Enter Shikari
THREE. "Hello" - Evanescence
FOUR: "All The Same" - Sick Puppies
FIVE. "The Kill" - 30 Seconds to Mars
SIX: "Demolition Lovers" - My Chemical Romance
SEVEN. "Mad World" - Gary Jules
EIGHT: "Slide" - The Dresden Dolls
NINE. "Let The Flames Begin" - Paramore
TEN: "Sunrise, Sunset" - Bright Eyes
ELEVEN. "Imagine" - (I prefer A Perfect Circle's cover)
TWELVE: "Cellar Door" - Escape The Fate
THIRTEEN. "Ender" - Finch
FOURTEEN: "Because" - The Beatles
FIFTEEN. "A Beautiful Lie" - 30 Seconds To Mars
SIXTEEN: "Strawberry Gashes" - Jack Off Jill
SEVENTEEN. "Sleep" - Story of the Year
EIGHTEEN: "Great White Whale" - Secret & Whisper
NINETEEN. "Goodnight" - The Birthday Massacre
TWENTY: "Hit The Floor" - Bullet For My Valentine
TWENTY-ONE. "Blow" - Atreyu
TWENTY-TWO. "Crystalised" - The xx

(Not in much of an order)

[S I T E S.}

Flickr
MLIA
Average Wizard
Group Hugs
A Softer World

T O D O L I S T

this should be useful

Stop A Bullet
Surgery
Sunrise, Sunset
Autopsy Song~
Breath
Mastermind
The Undertaker's Thirst

Depression sinks in...

12:14 AM - Thursday, April 10, 2008

Just say goodbye. I live and I'll die, hooked on a star, enraptured by the sky,
In love with a satellite.

I've been reading "In 102 Languages, I Love You" on Quizilla, by OxycodoneXGenocide. It's a fanfic with Frank Iero from MCR. It's really good. I'm on 58 now... it's taking forever to read, but in a way, I like that. Anyway, at the end of many of the chapters, it has a quote. And for 57, it had ^that^. I fell in love with it immediately. I Googled it. It's from Blaqk Audio's "Semiotic Love."

Life these past few days has been, well...
HORRIBLE.

It doesn't exactly help that I've been PMSing. Or at least, it only makes sense for why I feel this way.
Tuesday morning, I was perfectly fine (actually, better than fine... Tyler poked me multiple times, and yeah...) until 10 minutes into first period. It just hit me like an atom bomb that I didn't feel well.
I called my mom after the period was over. 2nd period wasn't fun. Boothby didn't help my headache at all. My bro finally picked me up when there was about a half hour left of class.

I got home and slept until 5:30 or something... when my mom got home.

It was heavenly.

(I don't know about you guys, but I really like this changing of font size thing... It's awesome)

I was doing better until 5 hours later. Depression sunk into my bones. I told my mom I felt lonely, and at first she thought I meant company-wise. It took a bit to explain to her that I felt lonely as in "No one gets me."

I woke this morning feeling... less than okay. I was still bummed, yes. In fact, I felt hopeless.
As my mom straightened my hair (I took a bath yesterday... like the first one in a year or more), I finally got the courage to say what I was thinking "I really don't want to go to school today," then my mom gave me this mini speech about how sometimes she doesn't want to go to work, but she has to, and those days end up being good, and BLAH.
I started saying how I usually have something to look forward to, but for some reason, I didn't have anything... they just... disintegrated. She got to me to say that it was guys that were the problem. Why don't they notice me? ....and other things.

Before I know it, I'm crying.

I told my mom I needed to collect myself. I needed time.

She kept trying to make me feel better, saying why guys don't notice me "At this age, they don't care about personality. They don't care about how long the relationship will last. They care about appearance." ....oh yeah... that helped. I said that's what was bumming me out the most. She asked if I could accept that... that was just the way things were... and I knew that things were just like that. But, no... I can't accept it.

She eventually called the school to say I was staying home. Then she comes to sit next to me, her voice slightly cracking as she asked if she was doing something wrong. I knew what to say back immediately, but my voice kept getting lost in my throat. I finally said "No.... It's just... what's wrong with me?" And I started full-out sobbing. Forget the last time I cried, when was the last time I sobbed?
At least my mom apologized for making me think about it.

So I stayed home... I couldn't got back to sleep easy.... and I did something really stupid. One of the stupidest things I've ever done. I'm not going to say, specifically, but I fell asleep after awhile, and I woke up about an hour later when my mom called, asking me to find my shrink's number. And the way I felt getting up and trying to find it, completely CLOSED the book that I was NEVER going to do that EVER AGAIN.

I only slept like 5 hours altogether. It was really one hour here, another there.
I felt really good in between those sleeps... well except for the time between the first awakening and the second nap (described above).

I got a bit nauseous after taking migraine medicine (migraine suddenly appeared like after my 4th nap, I think), and it crippled me a bit (and I was doing math homework right before that, dammit!). Then my back started hurting like mad... and now, an hour or so later, here I am... typing down my horrible life.

I'm still depressed. I still wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Every time I ask that to myself, I start to cry a bit. I didn't cry much after 8, though. So that's good. Around 3, I went outside with the cats, and sat on the porch. I didn't move until like a half hour later. I just sat there as it sprinkled and rained a bit. It felt marvelous.

I'm 50/50 on going to school tomorrow. I care a little bit more about school itself than I did this morning. I care a little bit more about the guys seeing me and being with friends who will cheer me up.
But that's about it.
I still feel like crap. I still feel nauseous, but at least my waterworks are under control now.

...I wonder what hell will be brought unto me tomorrow morning...

And I've got my shrink appointment on Saturday. Her name's Martha Martin. She's in Camas. I really like her. I love how she actually cares. My mom even said that Martin seemed concerned when she told her whatever she told her... about school. That was kind of a turn-off. But at least she realizes that my feelings and how I do in school go hand in hand.

~-~-~-~

Over spring break (last week), I got this sketch book. But it's not as wide as the average book. And on the front it says "Sketch Diary," so it gave me the idea of putting my drawings/doodles and writing on one page. I have this morning's and last night's entries that I want to scan and, hopefully put on here. I lot of times, when I "doodle," I integrate lyrics into them, or base the doodles off of the lyrics that sum up my life at that moment... or just stuff I have in my head.

Like this morning... how I felt could be completely summed up and verbalized with Linkin Park's "Given Up".... and I have some of the lyrics to the side of the written part of the journal entry... thingy.

Anyway, I'm gonna go back to reading "In 102 Languages" to get a few more chapters done before I go to bed.