Matt continues to ride on my back. It bugs the fucking HELL out of me. I don't wave as much to him or look at him, or other things as much as I used to. Maybe he will get a HINT. Especially when he pokes my sides. He did it... 4 times today, I think. Twice at lunch, and I screamed from both. He did again after 6th, when I was carrying TWO books. I wanted so much to yell "I hate you!" but I didn't, cause I'd feel really bad. Instead I said "Not cool! I'm carrying TWO books and I can smash them on your head," and I almost did, to prove my point.
He did it later, when I was drawing and once again I went: "Not cool!"

When we were playing "Suicide" (It's an emo version of Hangman), Matt was reaching to my torso area. I realized he was going for my iPod so I said "No! No touchy!" And I was backing away and such, but he KEPT REACHING. "I only wanted to listen," He said. "NO!! No touchy!" was my response. Finally, he gave up... I think it was because I ran and hid behind Caitlin.
He did it again like an hour later, and at this point, I was all 'whatever'.

I actually think I hate him.

Whenever I see him, I want to RUN the other way. Because when he gets closer and gets my attention (or is in my line of sight) he will wave and say how I'm going, and whatever shit so I will pay attention to him. GOD!! It drives me CRAZY!

He reminds me A LOT of the story we read in English. Umm... Araby by James Joyce (or something). It's about this kid who fantasizes about vanity and stuff. Well, he likes this girl and has never really talked to her, but he walks by her everyday. He can't get her out of his mind and he has this weird dream/fantasy he made up of her, and so he sort of obsesses over this dream and makes it act like it was real (I thought it was real at first). Anyway, as he is about to buy her something, he realizes that it's completely pointless and without good reason. He wasn't being realistic, is the thing.
Anyway, I can COMPLETELY relate to it. But I feel that I'm much more realistic and that I don't let these fantasies of mine control my life and make me live a lie, basically.


Tomorrow, in between 5th and 6th, I should ask Tyler what is up with Matt, and if he "likes me or something".


I'm pretty sure (even more than before) that Tyler is "backing off" because Matt is so... determined... or something. Karlie said that it's also possible that he's mad at me, or something, and that I should just go up to him. At lunch, at the vending machines, I said "Hi" to Cassy, and Tyler, who was already standing up, came over to be, and held out his arms a bit. Did he want a hug? Wow. That would make me SOO happy if he came here and WANTED a hug from me. ^_^
"Can I get a hug?"
YES!! My day has been made! "Yeah"
I went on my tiptoes and hugged him as he said "You can say no if you don't want to"

HOW can a say no to a hug from Tyler?
And what was sweet was that he also tried to squat a bit for a better hug. He did try it once before as an experiment, and it hurt his back. So it felt nice that he was doing it again... for me. I don't really remember what happened after that.

I didn't talk to him much after 5th. I said something about my having 2 books... and I don't know... I felt bad for not talking to him more, especially after Karlie's "he's mad" theory and "go talk to him" theory.

After 6th, in our little "corner" area. I was waiting for Caitlin... and THERE is that slut girl... what is she wearing? A black tank top and a camouflage tube top on top... which she just readjusted. A bit later and I noticed her Converse (or whatever) were ALSO camouflaged... can you say preppy... and TANK TOP?!?! WTF? It's like 32 degrees outside RIGHT NOW (okay, so it's a half hour to midnight, but you get what I mean... it's WET and effin' COLD)
We were in the club room later and she and Matt were at the hallway and she was putting Si's hat on him or something, and so I lean back and ask Cassy: "So who is she?"
I've asked this before, but I've yet to get an answer... er, well a name.
"I don't know," she said "But I don't like her. She always hangs out with us, but it's ONLY for Tyler. She like hangs off of him or something," Ugh. I made a face that I think got warped in the making of the feelings I was trying to convey: disgust... and something else.... it was bad. And she actually said "hangs off him," which I HAVE said before "like a trophy wife."
"I've noticed," I say.
"And she said that she was mad at him, but she still hangs around him... I don't get it."
"That makes no sense."
....If I was mad at someone, I am mad and I don't wanna see them.

Maybe I'll ask Matt... ew... no.... I'd rather not... But no way in hell am I going to say to Tyler something along the lines of "Who's that one girl that's been hanging around you a lot lately? That brunette?"


Anyway, Tyler didn't talk much to me at Club today. If he did, there was a high probability that I had started that convo. Like when I reminded him that he was going to let me borrow his lostprophets CD. That turned kinda long cause I talked in intervals at first: "lostprophets."
"I don't have it on here." He motioned at his phone.
"You were going to let me borrow your lostprophets CD."
"Oh yeah, I forgot."
"I noticed."
....It was longer cause we couldn't hear each other that well. But that was the gist of it.

Later, when we were playing Suicide, Tyler came up in front of me with a camera, and I hid my face. I uncovered a few seconds later to see if it was safe... it wasn't. I hid again as the flash went off. YES!!
That's the SECOND time he's tried to take a pic of me. And failed.

A bit later, he came back again, and I hid for a bit, and as I came out of hiding, the pic was taken... "Aww, you moved!" He still had the camera up and ready... "Fine," I said... "Just take it" I decided to give him a break. And yeah, he took it and went away.

Umm... I think it was the FIRST time he tried to take a pic of me... well, no... more likely the second, when I think about it. But anyway, I planned to take my foot and kick his leg lightly... Well, I'm not good at judging distance... so my foot ending up hitting him like on his left hip... After a second, Tyler's eyes went wide and his hand went somewhere (I really don't remember where... either the crotch or where I hit) and he said "Ooh, that was close." And he walked off. I was trying SOO hard not to crack up laughing. I really wanted to apologize, but if you didn't know... it's really hard when you're focusing your attention on not laughing your ass off.

There were a couple times during the Club where we were standing, facing each other and I KEPT having this image thought of me leaning in to kiss him... and there was a sort of pressure in my chest... but it was like yanking, urging me to DO IT. It was odd. Like a hand had a hold of my heart in my chest, or something, and yanking (well, a yanking feeling) me up, towards Tyler.

And each time I would look up at his eyes, which always seem to look black when I'm looking up and usually dark blue when I'm looking down. Anyway, he would look at me for a bit, something else (but his neck wouldn't move), back to me.... in a way, it seemed like he was waiting for it... or just something.

Oh, and when he was leaving. I was standing there, next to Cassy (and Paula next to her). Even though I was listening to loud music in one ear, I heard him say it, but I pretended I hadn't. He hugged the two, and was offering one to that one smart kid (that hangs out with Busboy...ooooh, that REMINDS me... I'll talk about it later), who declined.
Much like with the cell phone number deal... I said to myself "If he cares about you, he will come up to you, say he's leaving, and want a hug." And that's exactly what happened! It's like the first time one of my like dream/thought bubbles have come out completely true... well, I'm not sure about that "care about you" part... but I kinda set it up for myself.... He did say he was leaving and he did want a hug... so then he must care for me.
....As a friend.
Umm... oh yeah, that was a long hug. I like long hugs (well, from the right people). I STILL don't know if it's me or him that makes the hugs so long... I think it's mostly him... but I could just be what I want to think.... I hate thinking about that side of things....
Anyway... yes, I DO get long hugs from him. Sometimes... half the time? More than half? I don't really keep track, but I probably should. You know, so that if I need to be uplifted, I can look and go "Oh, look how many hugs I've gotten!" and YAY, happiness!
But yes, I do want to make hugs longer than usual sometimes, but I don't want to make it awkward for him. But when I think about it... the last two hugs today, and the hug before that were all long, and I sort of broke away when I felt it was heading straight for the awkward lane. But his arms (and hands) still linger, but kind of pull back and let go after a few seconds.
I especially love it when his hand drags across me when he's letting go... I mean, how can you not? It's not easy to explain, but it makes me feel like he wants me... or... you know?

Maybe I should go further on the "awkward" scale when Matt is close by... Oh god, that'd be evil, in a way. And/or it might make him think it's okay for a longer hug for him. God, no. I gave him a half-hug today, and I hated it. I purposefully made it small and short.... My excuse? "Sorry, I'm carrying all this and, yeah...." Oh, smooooth. Well, it was my backpack, reg Math book, English book, and a coke... so yeah, I was loaded.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Oh!! And that thing. Yeah, the smart kid reminded me of Busboy, who I didn't see today, except for this morning...: I was hanging around with the cool kids, before Michelle and Caitlin showed up. Steph was taking a test. So I was with... Orion, Dana, and Frisbee. I'd been there for a couple minutes, and turn for some unknown reason, and my automatically eyes go to the far right lunch window place, and there is Busboy, who, just as I see him, turns his head away....
Was he looking at me?
There's only like 4 of us here... so... was he? What?

And did I ever tell you about Cat-Hat Kid? Once he was at school with this AWESOME black cat hat. It was cute and looked awesome on him. The next day, he didn't have it on. I asked the others who it was, and at the vending machines, Caitlin goes "That's the kid who had the cat hat."
"Which one?" There's like 4. Wait... 3, cuz I think one was a girl. "The cute one?" Right before I say it (It just CAME out) I realize that there's 2 that I'd consider cute. Caitlin cracked up.
Anyway, it WAS one that I said was cute. A freshman (naturally). With dark hair, but it looks WAY cool because it's got a reddish tint to it. Not the blue that dyed hair has, so I think it's natural, especially considering how long I've seen him, with no diff-colored roots. He's got (or had, it's hard to tell sometimes) a girlfriend. Blonde. Uber-skinny. After seeing them suck face I didn't find him as attractive.

Before school and sometimes during lunch, he stands and hangs by the staircase, towards the middle of the commons. I just happen to look that way... I'm facing that way. I can't help it. So I just know, that's how. Anyway, this morning (AFTER Michelle and Caitlin got there and sat on either side of me), I was facing forwards and noticed that HE was looking in our general direction. Of course, at first, I wonder if he's looking at me, but then, he could very well be looking at my two friends... more likely Michelle... holy crap, so many guys like her! I feel bad and kinda jealous at the same time!
I didn't really think about it all the first time it happened... but I saw him looking right at us like 3 other times. At least. Within 10 minutes. I found it odd. I passed him in the hall once (that I remember) and he didn't do anything, so, I don't know...

Oh, and the kid who likes my lipring hasn't said another word to me. And everyday it's still incredibly awkward-feeling when I pass him. I just want to say something... but what...? Say 'Thanks' 2-3 months after the comment?

Whatever. I'm thinking too much about this stupid shit. Yes, shit. I could instead be using my brain to further advance man's knowledge of the world and how to make it ALL better.... Do I really want to? Not really... but I should be going to bed, and I want to finish something quickly and eat some more CAKE!! ^_^