Uhh... yeah, the title is from Evanescence "Lithium." The best line(s) in the entire song.

I CONSTANTLY wonder what's wrong with me...
I must not be pretty enough.
I'm too shy.
Too short.
Too ugly.
Too booky.
Withdrawn.

What is it that keeps guys away? Well, the right guys, I mean.

(UGH!! I absolutely HATE it when my parents get all PDA-ish is front of me. I HATE it when I can effing hear them kiss. It's like a smack in the face that says "You're never going to have this".... It makes me feel so incredibly lonely.)

At school we had the Rachel's Challenge assembly thing. It was pretty cool, I guess. I cried a bit. At the close your eyes and imagine... part. I just lost it.
Umm, for those of you who don't know... Rachel Scott was the first killed in the Columbine High School shooting. She had this... dream of sorts, these morals, these "codes" where even the smallest acts of kindness can start a ripple effect, a "chain reaction" as she says.
It reminded me of the Free Hugs, which are also called "acts of random kindness."

Anyway, so ALL the periods (except for 2nd... ugh... History with Boothby) were shorter.

After the assembly, I really needed a hug... from Tyler, preferably. I did get a hug at lunch, however... from Caitlin... it was somewhat random and caught me completely off guard.

At lunch, we went to the vending machines... Tyler wasn't there. He was getting his lunch, and hung out with his peeps in the actual caffeteria. While this happened, I was sitting on the floor with Paula and Cassy, looking at Japanese fashion magazines. We stayed there forever. I immaturely wanted to stay so that Tyler could see me interacting with his friends (haha, lame, right?)... but the magazines were hella interesting.
He eventually came with some of his peeps. Not even a hi.... He didn't even freakin acknowledge my prescence.... the jackass....
The bell rang in my sad, pathetic hope that he'd say something...do something.
So much for small acts of kindness.

Somehow I managed to catch him on our way to 5th (what can I say? I have impeccable timing).
Okay, so I saw him say Bye to Cassy, and so I said Hi to her. I swear he pretended to not see me. So, summoning up my courage, I yelled out his name.
He stopped and looked back, waiting for us to catch up (er, me and Caitlin as "us")
We exchanged greetings, and I just WENT for what I wanted to talk about... deep down.
"So... what's up with Matt?" And I was and am SOO surprised at my acting skills. I acted like I TOTALLY hadn't practiced this a million times over and that I was genuinely curious and completely casual conversation. "....I mean, does he like me or something?" If only you could've seen the look on my face. I tried to make more of a disgusted punk impression than a school girl with a crush. I NAILED it!
How could he think I had a crush on Matt after that?... Oh well... nevermind...
"What? ....I don't know. I don't watch what he does... should I?"
UGH!! Damn you!! "How can you not know?!"
It seems to be pure daylight for me.

I can't remember what I said...
But after 5th, I came up to him, asked for a hug, got an average hug... not an uber long one, and said "So you really don't know?"
"No, I don't"
"Lies..." *glare*
"What? I'll ask him."
"Okay then."

How much do you wanna bet that he'll forget/forgot? I got 2 bucks right here.

_-_-_-_-_-_

OMG!! I felt SOOOO incredibly stupid this morning. Okay, so Orion suddenly waved at someone. Like a big wave, for someone far off, you know? I look, and here comes Caitlin and Michelle. They had just entered the commons.
Oh! So what do I do?
I wave. I wave with my hand as high as it will go, waving slightly...

I realize, in the first 2 seconds I'm doing this, Busboy (aka Skunk Kid) is in that direction. And not only that.... he was looking at me. Or my hand. Whatever.
My hand froze, and "Oh shit" ran through my head a bit. Does he think I'm waving at him?
Then I realize what a bigger idiot I would look if I just suddenly stopped... I don't know... my mind was completely jumbled.
So then I just continued waving, mumbling "Wave back, wave back..."
Busboy, I swear, was still looking at me... and then he got up....
Oh shit, is he going to come over?
He ended up walking over to the group of freshman by the stairs. I THINK he may have just gone over there to see if it was him I was waving at, and not two of my friends, still incredibly far away. FINALLY, they waved back... God, I thought I was going to die for a bit there


_-_-_-_-_

I've also been wondering why I have those... feelings of complete anxiety when Tyler is near.

Why I get so close to freaking out when he's standing next to me, looking in my eyes... even if just for a second.

I want so desperately for him to kiss me.... so why do I freak when it could almost come true? When he gets so close and the situation is right that it could happen?

It's like... I just imagine us being in a room alone together. We're looking at each other, and I recite the first line from a book a read a few months ago... "I want you to kiss me"
And then Tyler will do exactly what the guy did in the book... nothing.
But then, in the book, she repeated what she said, and he said that he hardly knew her and didn't want to kiss her... of course, this changes... after a couple chapters...

And if he does lean in to kiss me, it will be, once again, exactly like what happened with the panda Jan. 2... I'm somehow manage to find a way to push him (or myself) away.

It's just.... What am I supposed to do?