This I found very funny... cause it's all about Elf Kid and such.
You guys, and all your not-knowing-much-about-Elf-Kid-ness.

So on Friday, I'm walking to 6th per, but I'm still in the "math hallway" place, and I see Sarah, and two people behind her is Elf Kid! Sarah sees me, and she sort of points behind her in a way he wouldn't see. I try not to smile and say that I already saw him.

Then today, around the same time, but this time it was before I got past the stairs. Elf Kid is walking down the hall, and Michelle comes down the steps at the perfect time. She ended up walking right next to him. I was trying SO HARD not to crack up. I had to look away a bit. But from what I did see, Michelle had the same type of restraint playing on her face. Elf Kid went into Blaesing's class and Michelle pointed slightly at him and we just lost it.

Last night I had a dream. Caitlin and I had roamed across the large school. We ended up next to the gym where there were quite a few kids. Elf Kid was there, dressed up in his PE clothes, and Tyler (of course) was there. They were all doing nothing. Caitlin left to tell Sensei something (Sensei was subbing for PE).

I doubled over, coughing, and sort of throwing up in this sort of bowl thing. But the "vomit" was quite clear... and jelly-like, I suppose. It was weird... more weird than gross, really.

I could see Tyler's feet as I was still hunched over. He started walking towards me and went to my other side. I was thinking how incredibly sweet he was being, figuring he was going to rub my back and say that everything was alright.
Instead, he wiped away this clear, stringy, vomit/spit thing from my face and had me stand straight up.

Then he kissed me.
He put his lips on mine, and I felt this wonderful, intriguing feeling inside my chest, I remember feeling like my body was on fire, a description I used in one of my books.

I know it kinda sounds gross. I mean he kissed me after I practically vomited...


I think it was REALLY weird, because it was just a few days ago I dreamt that he almost kissed me, and I had a sense of touch in the dream. THIS dream, that sense of touch that I freaked out about was intensified. What I mean is, I felt a lot more.

And whenever I think about those few seconds of fantasy, a huge grin appears on my face.

I've never been kissed in my dreams before. Oh wait... that's a lie. There was that one time, but I didn't really feel our lips touch and I didn't get the odd feeling throughout my body... and I didn't see their face or recognize the voice. Okay, so I've never been kissed in my dreams my someone I knew/recognized. Yeah... that's better.


Does the dream mean something?
In a way, I think that it means that whenever I'm down, sick, or hurt, he'll be there to make it all better (cheesy, huh?). If it's about the future, then maybe when I least expect it, or when I don't even want it, he'll open up to me... maybe kiss me, I don't know.

-_-_-_-_-_-

You remember that slut-girl I told you all about?
The one that was always hanging off of Tyler's arm like a trophy wife?

Well, at lunch, one of the twins, the blond twins (shit, I can't tell them apart, and apparently, they're both in girl's wrestling) comes over and says that Amber ----- had spread a rumor that she slept with Tyler, and I swear everyone freaked. The other twin, Paula, Cassy, Randy. That's all I remembered looking/hearing the reactions of people... (that so didn't make sense).
So that's what her name is. I swear I've always wanted to call her Amber, for some reason.

My friends didn't freak as much. I told them all that she was a slut before, and so I reminded them that I knew all along

I pulled Cassy aside, told her I wanted to tell her about the dream I had, cause I knew she'd get a laugh out of it. So I told her that I dreamt that Tyler kissed me. Her mouth clamped shut, obviously trying to keep it in, but she only had control for like 2 seconds before she started cracking up. "See, I told you!"
And she asked if we did anything after it, where it was, how it was done, what was said. I didn't tell her anymore. The only thing I'd be able to tell her was about that vomit/spit thing, and I didn't feel like mentioning it.


During math I tried to figure out what I would say to Tyler: "How are you doing?" "Are you okay?" "I heard about the rumor." No, scratch that last one out. He doesn't want to hear about that.

Well, after math was over, he sat in his spot, and I asked how he was doing. He said that he had a headache. I started for the door, but I had planned on making a pit stop by Tyler to give him a hug without him having to get up. He said that he still hadn't asked Matt yet, and I laughed. "Still?" I appeared beside him a gave him a quick/average hug. I now wonder if he would've preferred NOT getting a hug from me... well like that... I think he sort of put one arm around me, but I could be wrong.
Then Mr. Anderson asked what he had said about Matt. "Your brother Matt"
"No, a different Matt."
Something else was said, then I turned to Tyler and said "Yeah, I have a brother. Matt"
"Does he know that you have a brother named Matt?"
"Well, now he does" NOW, I wonder if he was asking if MATT knew I had a brother named Matt. I wonder if I do, if it will make him back off a bit....

Well, on my way to 6th, I passed Slut-girl (aka "Amber") , talking happily to someone walking with her. Oh yeah, I wanted to kill her. I had an automatic impulse of tripping her. I think I'm just going to stick with death glares/disgusted looks when I see her.
I WILL NOT tolerate this!
I would so fight her... but it's really not my battle, and getting suspended so close to finals is NOT a good way to go.

She is a filthy, stupid, slutty, bitchy, bratty, no good freshman. And to be honest, I kinda want her to die.

How desperate do you have to be to be a girl spreading around this rumor that you slept with a guy? I mean, at least I can begin to understand why a guy would do that, but a girl? How bloody desperate do you have to be? And WHAT the hell does she want? What does she want out of spreading that lie?


ANYWAY! I started cleaning up in art too late, and Mr. Yee was "tutoring" Cassy, and so she didn't clean up until like a minute before the bell rang. So slowly made my way to the door, and held it open, waiting for Cassy. Tyler was already with the group. No "Amber". But I still waited for Cassy. Then I came up behind Tyler and kicked him lightly in the leg... I've been kicking him a lot, lately.... He turned. I don't really remember what was said except for when he asked me how I was doing. I don't remember the last time he asked me that. And I always noticed when he didn't ask how I was doing... as if he didn't care about that.
Did he care today?
I don't remember what I replied with. I may have shrugged after a bit, slightly lost for words that he had actually asked. I wished I had said "I've been better," cause then that would apply that something was the matter, but I didn't want to talk about it.
Caitlin and Michelle came in and I asked them if the bus was still there, and they said yeah.

So I said bye to the peoples, and speedwalked outside. While on the ramp, a finger poked my back. I was not in the mood. So I did a light "Eek!" and seeing that it was Matt, I told him to not do it. He said he was sorry, but I have a feeling that he wasn't.
If I said "I'm not in the mood to be poked," then he would've asked what was wrong, and I didn't want that.
Of course, he gets on the bus the one day I really don't want him on.
I was a bit happier when I saw the bus was hardly few, and I got to sit next to Steph. And then a bit later, Busboy and Poofy Hair got on the bus. It was awesome. All the middle schoolers were gawking over his hair, and as he sat I heard him say "I've got fans."
On Matt's stop, he poked the top of my head. Can you say "The final straw"? I didn't turn to see who it was, because I knew. And I waved when he waved at me. And when he got off, I touched my head where he poked me and said "That was so not cool." I'm not sure if Steph totally understood what I was talking about. But she said "I think he does like you" and I groaned and said something about not liking it. I can hardly stand him as a person. He's so much worse when he's flirting with me, in a way that totally says "I have no idea what I'm doing, so I'll just obsess"



UGH!! I just need to forget about ALLL this stuff (well, the bad, horrible stuff, but not the dream kiss and Tyler asking how I'm doing). I should probably play Guitar Hero. That's a good misery-killer. But I should finish this Phys homework first.... STUPID BLOGSPOT! Making me pour all my anger and passion into a blog... a bloody blog! I mean, in a way, that's completely worse than a journal! Nobody reads and criticizes your journal!

Uhh... yeah, the title is from Evanescence "Lithium." The best line(s) in the entire song.

I CONSTANTLY wonder what's wrong with me...
I must not be pretty enough.
I'm too shy.
Too short.
Too ugly.
Too booky.
Withdrawn.

What is it that keeps guys away? Well, the right guys, I mean.

(UGH!! I absolutely HATE it when my parents get all PDA-ish is front of me. I HATE it when I can effing hear them kiss. It's like a smack in the face that says "You're never going to have this".... It makes me feel so incredibly lonely.)

At school we had the Rachel's Challenge assembly thing. It was pretty cool, I guess. I cried a bit. At the close your eyes and imagine... part. I just lost it.
Umm, for those of you who don't know... Rachel Scott was the first killed in the Columbine High School shooting. She had this... dream of sorts, these morals, these "codes" where even the smallest acts of kindness can start a ripple effect, a "chain reaction" as she says.
It reminded me of the Free Hugs, which are also called "acts of random kindness."

Anyway, so ALL the periods (except for 2nd... ugh... History with Boothby) were shorter.

After the assembly, I really needed a hug... from Tyler, preferably. I did get a hug at lunch, however... from Caitlin... it was somewhat random and caught me completely off guard.

At lunch, we went to the vending machines... Tyler wasn't there. He was getting his lunch, and hung out with his peeps in the actual caffeteria. While this happened, I was sitting on the floor with Paula and Cassy, looking at Japanese fashion magazines. We stayed there forever. I immaturely wanted to stay so that Tyler could see me interacting with his friends (haha, lame, right?)... but the magazines were hella interesting.
He eventually came with some of his peeps. Not even a hi.... He didn't even freakin acknowledge my prescence.... the jackass....
The bell rang in my sad, pathetic hope that he'd say something...do something.
So much for small acts of kindness.

Somehow I managed to catch him on our way to 5th (what can I say? I have impeccable timing).
Okay, so I saw him say Bye to Cassy, and so I said Hi to her. I swear he pretended to not see me. So, summoning up my courage, I yelled out his name.
He stopped and looked back, waiting for us to catch up (er, me and Caitlin as "us")
We exchanged greetings, and I just WENT for what I wanted to talk about... deep down.
"So... what's up with Matt?" And I was and am SOO surprised at my acting skills. I acted like I TOTALLY hadn't practiced this a million times over and that I was genuinely curious and completely casual conversation. "....I mean, does he like me or something?" If only you could've seen the look on my face. I tried to make more of a disgusted punk impression than a school girl with a crush. I NAILED it!
How could he think I had a crush on Matt after that?... Oh well... nevermind...
"What? ....I don't know. I don't watch what he does... should I?"
UGH!! Damn you!! "How can you not know?!"
It seems to be pure daylight for me.

I can't remember what I said...
But after 5th, I came up to him, asked for a hug, got an average hug... not an uber long one, and said "So you really don't know?"
"No, I don't"
"Lies..." *glare*
"What? I'll ask him."
"Okay then."

How much do you wanna bet that he'll forget/forgot? I got 2 bucks right here.

_-_-_-_-_-_

OMG!! I felt SOOOO incredibly stupid this morning. Okay, so Orion suddenly waved at someone. Like a big wave, for someone far off, you know? I look, and here comes Caitlin and Michelle. They had just entered the commons.
Oh! So what do I do?
I wave. I wave with my hand as high as it will go, waving slightly...

I realize, in the first 2 seconds I'm doing this, Busboy (aka Skunk Kid) is in that direction. And not only that.... he was looking at me. Or my hand. Whatever.
My hand froze, and "Oh shit" ran through my head a bit. Does he think I'm waving at him?
Then I realize what a bigger idiot I would look if I just suddenly stopped... I don't know... my mind was completely jumbled.
So then I just continued waving, mumbling "Wave back, wave back..."
Busboy, I swear, was still looking at me... and then he got up....
Oh shit, is he going to come over?
He ended up walking over to the group of freshman by the stairs. I THINK he may have just gone over there to see if it was him I was waving at, and not two of my friends, still incredibly far away. FINALLY, they waved back... God, I thought I was going to die for a bit there


_-_-_-_-_

I've also been wondering why I have those... feelings of complete anxiety when Tyler is near.

Why I get so close to freaking out when he's standing next to me, looking in my eyes... even if just for a second.

I want so desperately for him to kiss me.... so why do I freak when it could almost come true? When he gets so close and the situation is right that it could happen?

It's like... I just imagine us being in a room alone together. We're looking at each other, and I recite the first line from a book a read a few months ago... "I want you to kiss me"
And then Tyler will do exactly what the guy did in the book... nothing.
But then, in the book, she repeated what she said, and he said that he hardly knew her and didn't want to kiss her... of course, this changes... after a couple chapters...

And if he does lean in to kiss me, it will be, once again, exactly like what happened with the panda Jan. 2... I'm somehow manage to find a way to push him (or myself) away.

It's just.... What am I supposed to do?

Matt continues to ride on my back. It bugs the fucking HELL out of me. I don't wave as much to him or look at him, or other things as much as I used to. Maybe he will get a HINT. Especially when he pokes my sides. He did it... 4 times today, I think. Twice at lunch, and I screamed from both. He did again after 6th, when I was carrying TWO books. I wanted so much to yell "I hate you!" but I didn't, cause I'd feel really bad. Instead I said "Not cool! I'm carrying TWO books and I can smash them on your head," and I almost did, to prove my point.
He did it later, when I was drawing and once again I went: "Not cool!"

When we were playing "Suicide" (It's an emo version of Hangman), Matt was reaching to my torso area. I realized he was going for my iPod so I said "No! No touchy!" And I was backing away and such, but he KEPT REACHING. "I only wanted to listen," He said. "NO!! No touchy!" was my response. Finally, he gave up... I think it was because I ran and hid behind Caitlin.
He did it again like an hour later, and at this point, I was all 'whatever'.

I actually think I hate him.

Whenever I see him, I want to RUN the other way. Because when he gets closer and gets my attention (or is in my line of sight) he will wave and say how I'm going, and whatever shit so I will pay attention to him. GOD!! It drives me CRAZY!

He reminds me A LOT of the story we read in English. Umm... Araby by James Joyce (or something). It's about this kid who fantasizes about vanity and stuff. Well, he likes this girl and has never really talked to her, but he walks by her everyday. He can't get her out of his mind and he has this weird dream/fantasy he made up of her, and so he sort of obsesses over this dream and makes it act like it was real (I thought it was real at first). Anyway, as he is about to buy her something, he realizes that it's completely pointless and without good reason. He wasn't being realistic, is the thing.
Anyway, I can COMPLETELY relate to it. But I feel that I'm much more realistic and that I don't let these fantasies of mine control my life and make me live a lie, basically.


Tomorrow, in between 5th and 6th, I should ask Tyler what is up with Matt, and if he "likes me or something".


I'm pretty sure (even more than before) that Tyler is "backing off" because Matt is so... determined... or something. Karlie said that it's also possible that he's mad at me, or something, and that I should just go up to him. At lunch, at the vending machines, I said "Hi" to Cassy, and Tyler, who was already standing up, came over to be, and held out his arms a bit. Did he want a hug? Wow. That would make me SOO happy if he came here and WANTED a hug from me. ^_^
"Can I get a hug?"
YES!! My day has been made! "Yeah"
I went on my tiptoes and hugged him as he said "You can say no if you don't want to"

HOW can a say no to a hug from Tyler?
And what was sweet was that he also tried to squat a bit for a better hug. He did try it once before as an experiment, and it hurt his back. So it felt nice that he was doing it again... for me. I don't really remember what happened after that.

I didn't talk to him much after 5th. I said something about my having 2 books... and I don't know... I felt bad for not talking to him more, especially after Karlie's "he's mad" theory and "go talk to him" theory.

After 6th, in our little "corner" area. I was waiting for Caitlin... and THERE is that slut girl... what is she wearing? A black tank top and a camouflage tube top on top... which she just readjusted. A bit later and I noticed her Converse (or whatever) were ALSO camouflaged... can you say preppy... and TANK TOP?!?! WTF? It's like 32 degrees outside RIGHT NOW (okay, so it's a half hour to midnight, but you get what I mean... it's WET and effin' COLD)
We were in the club room later and she and Matt were at the hallway and she was putting Si's hat on him or something, and so I lean back and ask Cassy: "So who is she?"
I've asked this before, but I've yet to get an answer... er, well a name.
"I don't know," she said "But I don't like her. She always hangs out with us, but it's ONLY for Tyler. She like hangs off of him or something," Ugh. I made a face that I think got warped in the making of the feelings I was trying to convey: disgust... and something else.... it was bad. And she actually said "hangs off him," which I HAVE said before "like a trophy wife."
"I've noticed," I say.
"And she said that she was mad at him, but she still hangs around him... I don't get it."
"That makes no sense."
....If I was mad at someone, I am mad and I don't wanna see them.

Maybe I'll ask Matt... ew... no.... I'd rather not... But no way in hell am I going to say to Tyler something along the lines of "Who's that one girl that's been hanging around you a lot lately? That brunette?"


Anyway, Tyler didn't talk much to me at Club today. If he did, there was a high probability that I had started that convo. Like when I reminded him that he was going to let me borrow his lostprophets CD. That turned kinda long cause I talked in intervals at first: "lostprophets."
"I don't have it on here." He motioned at his phone.
"You were going to let me borrow your lostprophets CD."
"Oh yeah, I forgot."
"I noticed."
....It was longer cause we couldn't hear each other that well. But that was the gist of it.

Later, when we were playing Suicide, Tyler came up in front of me with a camera, and I hid my face. I uncovered a few seconds later to see if it was safe... it wasn't. I hid again as the flash went off. YES!!
That's the SECOND time he's tried to take a pic of me. And failed.

A bit later, he came back again, and I hid for a bit, and as I came out of hiding, the pic was taken... "Aww, you moved!" He still had the camera up and ready... "Fine," I said... "Just take it" I decided to give him a break. And yeah, he took it and went away.

Umm... I think it was the FIRST time he tried to take a pic of me... well, no... more likely the second, when I think about it. But anyway, I planned to take my foot and kick his leg lightly... Well, I'm not good at judging distance... so my foot ending up hitting him like on his left hip... After a second, Tyler's eyes went wide and his hand went somewhere (I really don't remember where... either the crotch or where I hit) and he said "Ooh, that was close." And he walked off. I was trying SOO hard not to crack up laughing. I really wanted to apologize, but if you didn't know... it's really hard when you're focusing your attention on not laughing your ass off.

There were a couple times during the Club where we were standing, facing each other and I KEPT having this image thought of me leaning in to kiss him... and there was a sort of pressure in my chest... but it was like yanking, urging me to DO IT. It was odd. Like a hand had a hold of my heart in my chest, or something, and yanking (well, a yanking feeling) me up, towards Tyler.

And each time I would look up at his eyes, which always seem to look black when I'm looking up and usually dark blue when I'm looking down. Anyway, he would look at me for a bit, something else (but his neck wouldn't move), back to me.... in a way, it seemed like he was waiting for it... or just something.

Oh, and when he was leaving. I was standing there, next to Cassy (and Paula next to her). Even though I was listening to loud music in one ear, I heard him say it, but I pretended I hadn't. He hugged the two, and was offering one to that one smart kid (that hangs out with Busboy...ooooh, that REMINDS me... I'll talk about it later), who declined.
Much like with the cell phone number deal... I said to myself "If he cares about you, he will come up to you, say he's leaving, and want a hug." And that's exactly what happened! It's like the first time one of my like dream/thought bubbles have come out completely true... well, I'm not sure about that "care about you" part... but I kinda set it up for myself.... He did say he was leaving and he did want a hug... so then he must care for me.
....As a friend.
Umm... oh yeah, that was a long hug. I like long hugs (well, from the right people). I STILL don't know if it's me or him that makes the hugs so long... I think it's mostly him... but I could just be what I want to think.... I hate thinking about that side of things....
Anyway... yes, I DO get long hugs from him. Sometimes... half the time? More than half? I don't really keep track, but I probably should. You know, so that if I need to be uplifted, I can look and go "Oh, look how many hugs I've gotten!" and YAY, happiness!
But yes, I do want to make hugs longer than usual sometimes, but I don't want to make it awkward for him. But when I think about it... the last two hugs today, and the hug before that were all long, and I sort of broke away when I felt it was heading straight for the awkward lane. But his arms (and hands) still linger, but kind of pull back and let go after a few seconds.
I especially love it when his hand drags across me when he's letting go... I mean, how can you not? It's not easy to explain, but it makes me feel like he wants me... or... you know?

Maybe I should go further on the "awkward" scale when Matt is close by... Oh god, that'd be evil, in a way. And/or it might make him think it's okay for a longer hug for him. God, no. I gave him a half-hug today, and I hated it. I purposefully made it small and short.... My excuse? "Sorry, I'm carrying all this and, yeah...." Oh, smooooth. Well, it was my backpack, reg Math book, English book, and a coke... so yeah, I was loaded.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Oh!! And that thing. Yeah, the smart kid reminded me of Busboy, who I didn't see today, except for this morning...: I was hanging around with the cool kids, before Michelle and Caitlin showed up. Steph was taking a test. So I was with... Orion, Dana, and Frisbee. I'd been there for a couple minutes, and turn for some unknown reason, and my automatically eyes go to the far right lunch window place, and there is Busboy, who, just as I see him, turns his head away....
Was he looking at me?
There's only like 4 of us here... so... was he? What?

And did I ever tell you about Cat-Hat Kid? Once he was at school with this AWESOME black cat hat. It was cute and looked awesome on him. The next day, he didn't have it on. I asked the others who it was, and at the vending machines, Caitlin goes "That's the kid who had the cat hat."
"Which one?" There's like 4. Wait... 3, cuz I think one was a girl. "The cute one?" Right before I say it (It just CAME out) I realize that there's 2 that I'd consider cute. Caitlin cracked up.
Anyway, it WAS one that I said was cute. A freshman (naturally). With dark hair, but it looks WAY cool because it's got a reddish tint to it. Not the blue that dyed hair has, so I think it's natural, especially considering how long I've seen him, with no diff-colored roots. He's got (or had, it's hard to tell sometimes) a girlfriend. Blonde. Uber-skinny. After seeing them suck face I didn't find him as attractive.

Before school and sometimes during lunch, he stands and hangs by the staircase, towards the middle of the commons. I just happen to look that way... I'm facing that way. I can't help it. So I just know, that's how. Anyway, this morning (AFTER Michelle and Caitlin got there and sat on either side of me), I was facing forwards and noticed that HE was looking in our general direction. Of course, at first, I wonder if he's looking at me, but then, he could very well be looking at my two friends... more likely Michelle... holy crap, so many guys like her! I feel bad and kinda jealous at the same time!
I didn't really think about it all the first time it happened... but I saw him looking right at us like 3 other times. At least. Within 10 minutes. I found it odd. I passed him in the hall once (that I remember) and he didn't do anything, so, I don't know...

Oh, and the kid who likes my lipring hasn't said another word to me. And everyday it's still incredibly awkward-feeling when I pass him. I just want to say something... but what...? Say 'Thanks' 2-3 months after the comment?

Whatever. I'm thinking too much about this stupid shit. Yes, shit. I could instead be using my brain to further advance man's knowledge of the world and how to make it ALL better.... Do I really want to? Not really... but I should be going to bed, and I want to finish something quickly and eat some more CAKE!! ^_^

I had this weird dream last night.

Actually, I've had a LOT of dreams lately. I got this HORRIBLE headache on... Thursday. I had a few dreams that night. I stayed home from school on Friday, and slept until... 1 pm, I think. I woke up MULTIPLE times, and I remembered each dream I had for each time interval I slept.
Do I remember them all right now?
Not at the top of my head, no.

However, there is this dream that I had last night that I would really like to share.

I have quite a few things buzzing around my head at the moments (dreams, I mean), and I don't remember if they were all of the same dream. I mean, there was this one, where my family (in the dream... not my real actual family) were being eavesdropped by our neighbors, and we actually knew that they were listening to what we were talking about, and they would challenge us to things... it was weird.

And there was this other part where I made this mini village (like a Sim game!) and I had certain parts and had certain things happen, and the little people had little minds of their own and they wouldn't stay where I put them! It pissed me off a bit, and when I told my brother to keep them in the same store, he forgot and when I came back to the scene, I had to put them ALL back and start over! ...And like after that, there was this guy without a name, and this other guy and they had an epiphany (I love that word) about how to make dial-up faster, or something. And then I had to test in out in this really weird way by taking the phone cord and trying to hit something... and how fast it took the cord to hit it was how fast the internet was.... lol, it was weird.


ANYWAY.... on to the REAL reason why I wanted to talk about this aaalllllllllll. Yes, I'm kinda excited and stuff... I'm hyped up on caffeine at the moment... Sorry. My arm is twitching... It's making me laugh... Okay...

So, in this dream, there was snow and stuff. For some reason that I can't remember, I had met up with Tyler, or something, and he was hanging out with that slut-bitch. And this was like the second time this happened, or something. I don't know. Anyway, my mom was going to take me home, or something, and we offered Tyler a ride. He got in. I kinda assumed we were going to take slut-bitch home, too, but my mom drove off when Tyler got in....
He explained that where he lived it was below zero, or freezing point, I don't remember.
In a way, it was like my mom wasn't even there. I never saw her or anything... well, in the car, I mean.
Yeah, so in the car, I was looking at Tyler cause we were talking or something. And then I remember that his face got REALLY close to mine. I could feel his breath on me. I was thinking that I should take the opportunity and kiss him... but didn't he like that slut-bitch? But if so, why was he so close? So, I just went for it. I started to lean in, and I actually felt the tiniest fraction of his lips touch mine, and something happened. I don't remember what, but the opportunity was over. He wasn't looking at me anymore.
Then I remember that we were at his house (his dream house... not his real house... if you get what I mean... yeah... sorry, just forget I said anything). He took me to his room or something, then had to go out. I don't really remember what I did in there. I think I just sat on his bed or something, looking at my nails (I look at my nails WAY to much. If you see me doing that, that means I'm waiting or ignoring something... just so you know).
I stayed there for a bit. I don't remember him coming back to his room and talking to me. I may have just left. I don't know. Whatever...

It's just that in the dream we seriously ALMOST kissed. It was just the oddest feeling. Well, not really. But I actually felt something in the dream. I felt our lips ALMOST touch... or a very diluted feeling of our lips barely touching.
I just find it odd that I actually felt something.
That I had a sense of touch in the dream.

I don't know.

Maybe you people don't find it odd at all, but most of the dreams that I remember vividly (or at least a certain part) are when I actually feel something. Like that dream with Skyler I had WAY back in... 7th grade, I think it was.

Whatever.

The almost kiss and the thoughts I experienced, well, once I wrote it down here, reminded me of that one day (Jan 2) when Tyler leaned in when I had that stuffed panda over my face, and the only thought that crossed my mind was that he was going to kiss me... but I thought he liked the slut-bitch-girl... and yeah... doesn't it sound familiar?

...
Yeah, whatever.

I should just try not to think about things so much. What good does it do?

You remember that kid I was talking about a few days ago? The kid that rides my bus that I kinda like?

Yeah, Karlie calls him Busboy. Remember that?

A bit ago, Steph saw him at Bi-Mart and told me his hair reminded him of a skunk. Remember?

Yeah, well, today, Waldo (formerly known as Oliver) saw him and said that the kid's hair reminded him of those vanilla and chocolate soft serve cones, and so whenever he looked at his hair it made him want ice cream.

So, as forever continued (it was a 2 hr late start, and I take the bus, and so I get to school earlier), my friends started talking about him a bit now and then...
Now and then I'd hear Waldo and Sara (they are dating now... it's cute) looking at him and talking about ice cream.... "No, there's not much vanilla there..."

I think he's officially Skunk Kid now. We passed by him going to second period (as usual) and Caitlin said to me "I just saw Skunk Kid." To which I replied with a VERY enthusiastic "So did I." Because, of course, these friends of mine don't know I have the slightest crush on this kid and I have BEFORE he got "skunk hair." It just offends me the slightest bit. Whatever. They're my friends. And we can always make fun on Elf Kid, Tiny Kid, and Puffy Hair instead.

Which reminds me... What the hell ever happened to the Blue Hat Clan turned White Hat Clan? I haven't seen their hats! =(

Shit, I'm falling behind in school. I shouldn't even being doing this at... 11pm... Shit... it's that late already? Well, better 11pm than 3am. Yes, I'm always the optimist... now screw off so I can go kill myself or something...

Oh yeah, you know about Tyler, don't ya?

Tyler and me?

So not going to effin happen.

Now that I feel more ignored him than ever, I feel like I've put some of this lost hope into "Skunk Kid"... and that's why out of the blue I will like a guy... it's an excuse of sorts. It gives me hope. Something to look forward to. I rather have something to look forward to at the end of the day, tomorrow, even the next 2 hour late start, than to have NOTHING to look forward to. It's quite possibly the fastest way to hit rock bottom.

I guess, in a way, I'd much rather be amusing myself online and getting Fs than overworking myself and end up depressed and mentally unstable as I talk to a therapist everyday.

Yay. The optimist side of me blooms again!


Must of the hope I have left in Tyler & me is buried in a way. Because he's ignoring me, I just won't pay as much attention to him. Another step up the ladder of "playing hard to get."
MAYBE, if I won't pay as much attention to him, then he will crave my attention and try to get it. Sometimes he does it. He did it a few times at Japanese Club on Monday.

I'm not going to follow him around like a sick puppy. (Sick Puppies kick ASS!... Sorry, that was begging to be in there)

I refuse.

I haven't before, but sometimes I felt like I was going in that direction and I'd take a step back.
So now, I'm just taking more steps back.

Matt (Bullene) likes me. I SWEAR. He hasn't told me or anything, but I just have that feeling, you know? On Monday, at Japanese Club, he was practically following me like that sick puppy I was talking about earlier. But it was more like a sick puppy trapped in a room. He didn't follow me outside of the Jap Club room, but inside... OMG. SAVE ME! And yes, I wanted to freaking run the other way like the devil was chasing me. Because as far as I know, he is the devil!
(I hope to bloody god he doesn't read this)

And I wonder that since Bullene is coming onto me so strongly that it sort of pushes Tyler away. Scares him... ya know? Like if I saw a girl hitting on Busboy majorly, I would back off. And there's that slut-bitch-girl I told you about, that hangs off of Tyler's arm? Yeah, she's an obstacle. He would rather talk to her than me. Oh shit, here come tears.
I will be walking down the hallway, they are talking to each other, and I will even poke him without him looking at me or even saying "Hi." ....Oh god, here's some more...

I almost broke my finger the last time I poked him. Hey! He walked into it! Sooo not my fault.

Oh, and did I tell you Tyler got a cellphone? Oh yeah, he did. Do I have the number for it? No. And like I told Karlie, there is no way in HELL I am going to ask him for it. If he wants me to have it, he'll give it to me, right?
RIGHT?!
Right.

Another step on the "playing hard to get" ladder...

Ha. No, I told this to Karlie, and she said that it was good of me to play hard to get, even though I hadn't even thought of it that way...
Shit it's almost midnight.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but... Screw you, blogger!!

Ugh... It just feels like my life is in a drier or something... I feel like I'm tumbling and failing to keep myself upright for more than a second. I'm fine one moment, ecstatic the next, and thoroughly depressed the next.
Oh, more tears.

Yeah. I feel so pathetic.

And I feel this undying need right now to read the gushy parts of Twilight...
And that's when you know you need a boyfriend.

You know, I LOVE the Twilight Series. I'm a Vampire fan. Seriously. I'm ALL for Edward. Jacob can screw himself for all I care.
I was so ecstatic when I heard they were making a movie. Cedric Diggory from the HP movies is going to be Edward... but screw Hollywood. There is no actor in the WORLD who can live up to the part of Edward Cullen. He is a GOD. He is every girl's dream boyfriend, and many girl's current (fictional) boyfriend. Hell, I'm this close ---> ][ from claiming him as my boyfriend, too.
It's pathetic, I know.
But how the hell can you NOT fall this Adonis in the flesh with copper hair, topaz eyes, pale skin, the most sensitive, caring, yet unbelievably strong and courageous guy that will get you out of every single vampire problem you come across? And he says the most romantic things ever. And here I go again, ranting, and making me want to read the book more, and, evidently, stay up until 4 am...
Yeah, it will so happen.

I keep screwing myself over. It's pathetic. I am one of the most pathetic people I know.
And that itself is pathetic. It's pathetic that I call myself pathetic.
And I can go on forever, but I'm dying to read the meadow scene in Twilight right now...

*~"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb"- Edward~*

Yo, peeps. Sorry this is about 10 days late, but I was surfing, found this, laughed my ass off, and decided to put this on here when I was only halfway done.

Anyways, here ya go!!:

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


------
#12-15 kick serious butt, do they not? ^_^

Did I ever tell you people about Elf Kid?
Well, here it goes anyway:

One day (way back in Sept. I think), during lunch, I'm looking past the staircase. I notice this kid-freshman-- with dyed black hair that I believe went to his eyebrows and covered half his ear (or something). He was wearing a white/black/brown striped beanie hat and a white t-shirt and skinny white jeans.
Anyway, I point him out to the rest of the group "Dude, that kid looks like an elf!"
And he's been called Elf Kid ever since.

We have made so many jokes and laughed over/at him so much that I feel bad sometimes (kinda like making fun of Frank). In a way, it feels like we're stalking him. We think his name's Jeremy... psh... As if we actually care.
Michelle said she saw Elf Kid without his hat once. It was an epidemic.
One day... one terrible, dreadful, awful day, we realized Elf Kid hadn't been absent the last few days. His elf hat had disappeared and he got his hair cut. A few days earlier, Caitlin drew a pic of Elf Kid and his elfiness, and even drew a Navi for him. To this day it can be seen on Michelle's binder. It's kind of a shame because he doesn't really look like that anymore...
Anyway, his hair is obviously dyed and he seemed to have missed a few spots (maybe on purpose)... or something. It looks hilarious... er, scratch that. It looks bad. Just bad.

It was NOT Elf Kid. Michelle said that Santa had recruited him as an elf (because Christmas was coming up... this was after Thanksgiving) and replaced him with a bad human copy of Elf Kid (or something like that). After this, he wore those jackets with fur hoods, baseball caps worn properly and backwards, and my favorite, a horrid yellow plaid shirt.

Ha. I remember one day at lunch, Michelle suddenly says "Elf Kid has yellow balls!" to which I cracked up laughing. Sure enough, he had a necklace made of huge yellow balls, which I'm sure they were cracking jokes over every 5 seconds. Throughout the day, I saw this necklace passed on to many people.

This other day, Caitlin and I were getting out of Japanese class. A class in the library was getting out, too. Just as we walk out, Elf Kid walks out (just on the other side of the tiny hallway) and I keep hitting Caitlin, trying to hold in my laughter. She finally looks behind us and we both crack up. Elf Kid was wearing a wrestling sweater and black beanie with a ball of air at the top, signifying it wasn't on all the way (get what I mean?)


We always wonder if he suspects anything.... Like whenever we pass him in the hall we start laughing. And like how we keep looking at his table at lunch.

Well, today, I mistakenly headed to 3rd period (it was a half day... and no one reminded me). Halfway there I met Caitlin and Morgan who also mistakenly headed to 3rd and reminded me it was 4th period. So we walked together in the same direction. Then, I saw something.

Was I imagining it?

No.

I am absolutely ecstatic.
I'm pointing at the person walking perpendicular to us. "Dude (Or 'Caitlin', idk... yes, I so said that)!! Elf Kid has his hat back!" I say quieter than usual. Elf Kid then turns to see us... me still pointing at him, although he looked just for a second. I freaked a bit. Caitlin hadn't even seen it, or heard me, so, still somewhat enthusiastic, I tell her again.
At lunch, I told the others about my pointing and him seeing, and they laughed their asses off. Probably my "oh, shit" commentary dealio.

There's this sort of "new" guy that I'm kinda into. Well, I don't remember him before this year (school year). He rides my bus (YES!) and I have no clue what his name is. Ever since I first saw him, I found him attractive (umm, corny). He's on the short side, he has dark brown hair and brown eyes. And yes, I think he's uber cute.

And COMPLETELY out of my league.

He seems to hang out with the wrong sort of crowd. On the bus in the afternoon, I seem to always see him sit with Cody Rocha, and they do stuff together, I've noticed. I hate Rocha. He is a complete jackass and he smokes. I know that for a fact. But I wouldn't be at all surprised if he drinks. In fact, I believe he does. BUT, I have heard him truthfully say that he's tried multiple times to quit smoking... so I guess that's good.
But, STILL. This GUY hangs out with these other guys, and it just seems so wrong because HE seems to be the quietest in the group.

Over a month ago, he came to school and his hair (like the front half, but less than half) was bleached WHITE. Not blonde, WHITE. And he TOTALLY pulls it off. Who just fell for him more? *raises hand*
I really haven't mentioned him to my main group of friends at school, cause they may force me to talk to him. *clears throat and looks at Karlie* Steph said a few days ago that he saw "that one kid with the white in his hair" at Bi-Mart and said that his hair reminded her of a skunk. I seriously hadn't thought of it like that.

But really, I don't want to talk to him. I am not going to do with him what I tried with Tyler. I am not going to go up to him and make casual conversation. I am going to wait for HIM to come to me.... And that's the sort of way I think things should be done. You can call me a coward. I call it old-fashioned.

And even though he is so completely out of my league, I do think that I have the slightest chance with him... and I am going to tell you why. It's this completely weird reason that makes sense to me, but might be a total coincidence.

Do you want to know?

Do ya?

Do ya?!

Really?

Yes, I am making a mountain out of a mole hill (that's from Scrubs).

For a while, back in November, or something, I noticed that on the bus in the afternoon, Steph and I would sit in a seat, and HE (Karlie calls him Busboy) would sit behind us, across the isle, or somewhere seemingly just as close (that may not make sense, but I just felt like saying it).

Oh yeah... that's major.
But that's not all...

*Suspense*

Every other Wednesday is a two-hour late start. BECAUSE of this, I have to take the bus in the mornings on these days. My parents usually drive me (yes, I'm spoiled like that). A few seats behind the driver sits Dana and Frisbee (Dana in front). I sit across the aisle from either one.
BUSBOY gets off on the last major stop (which happens to be like the 5th stop), so in the morning, it's the first major stop.... Following?
Anyway, he ALWAYS sits in the seat in front of me.
He doesn't sit with the people he sits with in the afternoon. Rocha isn't even on the bus in the morning.
And this middle schooler always sits with him.

But it's kinda odd that he sits in front of ME.

Is this just a complete coincidence or what?


TODAY, we had a two hour late start because of snow. I took the bus in the morning, even though my mom could've taken me. Why? I guess I kinda wanted to see him because there was a good chance that I wasn't going to be on the bus in the afternoon because of Japanese Club.
I had been telling Karlie about this guy for a few days, and I told her about this... occurrence. I was ecstatic when he sat in front of me today... my theory is still probable.
We got to school and all that jazz. I told Karlie I was going to try to get a pic of him... of course this has been thought of once there are so many people that I can't see him. FINALLY, the bell rang, telling us to go to class. The three of us got up (Michelle was sick) and we were saying bye to people... and I'm not really sure why we were standing. We had migrated to the end of the tables. Somebody sort of nudged my shoulder as they passed by, just like when you are going down the hallway... not big of a deal, right?
It seemed that there would have been enough space for them to get through without hitting me, but I could've been wrong. So I looked. It was HIM... Busboy and two of his friends. One was that uber smart kid that's in 1st year Japanese class. He also rides the bus and gets off at the same stop as Busboy.
....Did he mean to bump into me? Well, if he did, then he should've said "Sorry" because that would've gotten my attention more and I would've (most likely) said "It's alright."


So..... Yeah.... So that's all I've got to say, I think.

If possible, I'd like to get feedback on my... problems.

Tyler has been giving INCREDIBLY mixed signals. Although, when I think about it, so am I. But he does know that I like him... right? Well, whatever.

So, there's this GIRL that suddenly decided to hang out with him. And by "hang out with him" I mean hang from his arm like a trophy wife. I asked Cassy who the girl was and she didn't know. The other girls that hang out with Tyler don't like her. I can't blame them. The words used were "prep" and "slut."
And I think he likes her.

The last few days I'm seen her wear his sweater and his SOAD wristband. When he liked Chelsea, I'd see her wearing his sweater, and I was told once that Tyler insisted she'd wear it.

I wonder if he still likes her.



On Wednesday, the first day back, Oliver gave me my Christmas present (a little stuffed panda), so at lunch, when we went to the vending machines I was, for some reason, leaning against the wall, showing Tyler the panda. I had it covering my nose and mouth, looking over its little head. Tyler said it was awesome, and he started leaning towards me slowly.
What the HELL?

The only thing I could think of was that he was going to kiss me... but I had the panda there... But I didn't really think that he was going to kiss the panda. All I could think of was that he was going to kiss me... even though it made no sense whatsoever. Wasn't he into that slut-girl?

I knew that even if he WAS going to kiss me, I wasn't going to let it happen. No way in hell was my first kiss going to be in a hallway at school, surrounded by friends and people I don't know.

Yep, I still haven't been kissed... and I'm effin 17 years old.

So, still looking at where his eyes would be if his hair wasn't in the way, breathing coming hard, I suddenly sort of shoved the panda into Tyler's face, completely throwing him off. He laughed, saying "What the--?" ...I don't remember what word he used, or if he used one.

But, seriously, WHAT THE HELL was that?!?!?! Was the fact that he was so surprised by the panda attack a clue to what he was doing or thinking of doing?


I forgot about this incident for a few days. I was too busy thinking about slut-girl and Tyler and if there was something *there.* If there was a relationship or not.

He just seems to be... ignoring me or something lately. I now wonder (after remembering the "incident") if he's been like this BECAUSE of the incident....
Yesterday, after math, I got a hug from Tyler, and then he went out of the classroom like I was... Was he walking me to my class? Hell no. I asked what he was doing and he just said that a friend told him to do it. I wondered if this "friend" was slut-girl. WELL, today, he doesn't even BOTHER to even say "Hi" as I'm packing up and he drops off his stuff and heads out into the hallway. As if I didn't already feel depressed. However, I was slightly relieved when slut-girl passed by me in the hallway. No Tyler in sight.

Yep, my life is absolutely brilliant right now.