*inhale... exhale* (haha, that's a band... okay, I'm done)
Yesterday's "thing" had me going... ish.
I don't know what I'm saying... I've got this adreniline rush that I've had for a while.... which can not be healthy..... *thinks*

Anyway, so today.... at lunch *exhale*, I decided to just go for it. Just go over there, with Frisbee of course, and Kyrsten (or w/e her name is), and say 'hi'.
Oh man...
Anxiety seriously kicked in. I could NOT get the smile off of my face, but once I got up and was pushed along, the smile disappeared, and the cold feet got colder. I would not look at where I was going. I knew where I was being pushed to, but I would not look at anywhere except at my pushees and the floor.
Oh, man... I am SO not doing this. What is WRONG with me?!
Everyone at our table was cheering me on... 'oh my god...'
'Damnit, how did I get here so fast?'
Staring at the ground-ish, I heard the guys say 'Hi' to Frisbee (who they call James), I waved, looking back up.
I looked at Tyler, who turned to look at James. I remember he said "Hi" and waved... at me. But... I was so nervous, I can't even remember clearly anymore.

I believe Fris said something about saying "hi," or whatever, so I said, "Fine. Hi," and I gave a huge wave.
Sometime along the way, I remember saying, "Okay... my face is really red" I may have used that as an excuse to go back. Kyrsten tried blocking me. Just like yesterday when I "yelled" at Fris (at least it sounded like I was yelling... to me.... o.O... yeah.... shut up), I "yelled" something along the lines of "I'm going back, and you aren't going to stop me."
I saw Frisbee leaning over the table and I believed he said something like "My friend has a crush on your friend." Too focused on getting away, I didn't freak upon hearing that. I just assumed I heard wrong. Obviously.

I don't remember the walk back to the table. But when I got back, I knew my face was bright red. 'Holy crap. I did not just do that....' We all explained what happened multiple times to Karlie and Caitlin and Brit. OMG... EVERYONE was looking at me. I felt like I was being interogated but... by friends. It felt so weird. I put my head down now and then or put my hands over my head (like in Mr. Blaesing's "Earthquake Country" poster. Know what I mean?)
Oh, on my way back to the table, I asked Frisbee what he said and he DID INDEED say "My friend has a huge crush on your friend."
"Oh, you did NOT! Holy--! You did not! Oh God..."
'What must he think of me? Some insane girl he doesn't know likes him?' I mean... that's one of the worst case senarios.

It wasn't long (it felt like) until Randy came to our table. "Was that the first time you've talked to him?"
'Oh damnit!' "Yeah."
"So you like him, even though you don't know him?"
I buried my head. I may have said something, however.
(Note... I don't recall the order of the things of Randy's conversation with me)
I went back to talking to someone else for a bit until Randy tapped my shoulder lightly.
He said (something like): "I don't mean to bring down your spirits, but he's not really, but kinda seeing someone."
....
THEN it didn't hurt. I was too happy that I actually TALKED to him and that he TALKED to me and waved (YES, saying "Hi" counts as talking!).
Randy said that because of this, Tyler was like "Oh, crap".... which made me feel like "Oh, crap..."
Karlie asked something, so I told her about Randy saying that Tyler was kinda but not really going out with someone. And do you know what she said? She said something that was SO not Karlie! Wanna know? Tune in next time!!! Haha, joking.... She said, "So what?!" and I was laughing so hard. We had to repeat what we said to... Brit I think.... maybe. Well then the ENTIRE table was cracking up.

I remember Randy said that Tyler was cool.
Caitlin at some point said something about knowing it was warm, so she didn't bring her sweater, so I said "I always have to have my jacket."
"Why? Because it has the Kill Hannah symbol on it?"
"Not really... I'm just insecure."
Randy cut in, "Why are you insecure?"
"Because I am"
"Why?"
"Because I have a low self-esteem"
"Is that why you were afraid to talk to him?"
"Yeah, and because I'm really shy."
Then we ALL talked about being shy and not being shy or used to being shy... and stuff....
Thanks to Randy (hopefully... not really hopefully.... I don't know) Tyler might know that I'm insecure, I have low self-esteem, and I'm shy. Yay me! Oh, and out of curiousity I asked Randy what Tyler thought of me and he said he didn't know because it was the first time we talked (?), but that Randy himself thought I was funny. "Really?" "Yeah."

Randy (before that last piece) asked me what I knew about Tyler, so I listed off the stuff. After this was probly when he said that Tyler was cool. Oh yeah. I picked out someone good this time... didn't I? God, I hate making bad decisions.


In 5th period, I was too worried about what he may say to me if he wanted to talk.... I mean.... if I were him, I'd avoid me! Karlie and I were passing notes (hey, she sits RIGHT behind me, we were watching a movie, and we had a sub), which was naturally rotated around Tyler.... why would it not? Anyway, yeah.... she told me to have eye contact and say Hi to him. Ha! As if!!!
Yeah, going to 6th, I did pass him, but I didn't have the courage (or the space) to run or do what I wanted.... I don't know what I wanted... when I think about it.

I had my counselor (shrink) visit after school today. Yeah, I got a new shrink. AND, she LOVES chocolate.... and wolves. Today was my 2nd visit with her, and I seriously love her (for lack of better words). She is awesome. Uh... Martha Martin, if you want to right that down. Her office is right by Walgreens and Grocery Outlet in Camas... it's like these office suite thingies... SOOOO much better than having to go ALLL the way to Van to talk to evil Umphred.

ANYWAY.... where was I? Oh yeah... once I got home.... ALL I could think about was Tyler. How he looked at me at lunch. How he said 'hi' (yes, I got to cloud nine from that) AND waved (Eeek!). Then right after that, I would instantly think of what Randy said about the girl and Tyler's reaction.... oh shit... everytime I think about this, something heavy lands on my chest and my eyes water.... oh frick.... why am I reacting like this? I mean.... the way Randy put it.... it sounded like Tyler was already after someone and was just ALMOST there.... or it was something very.... loose..... Ha, I'm speaking in past tense.... I hope it's correct though. I hope it isn't correct in present tense.... my god I sound so pathetic....

DAMNIT! (((Haha, that reminds me of Emma on Monday, and Jake ingeniously instantly said, "She's talking about the Columbia. We need to dam it." That is still hilarious)))