Ha. It feels like Thursday. SWEEEET! Well... now... but not earlier. Earlier, I wasn't so happy about that. Earlier I was worried about asking Tyler if we could hang during the summer.

Yeah, nice idea, right? I thought about it, but Brit enforced it. Yay!

So come lunch... Randy was there as I tried to catch up on my sleep (not really), and so I was really reluctant to ask him something, but we got interrupted. "So what were you saying?"
"Um.... I was wondering if...."
"Tyler?"
"Yeah."
"I figured."
"Can you ask him if... we could hang out...?"
"After school?"
"Summer break."
Well, he did go, and when he came back, he said that Tyler said "Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"He says that he doesn't know you."
"That's the point of hanging out!"
"I know, that's what I told him. But he said that he will hang out with you if you ask him yourself."
"What?!" I smacked the table as the rest of the table listening in said "Ooooh!"
'Damn'
Caitlin said something about me making her lunches enjoyable.
Yes, others find enjoyment in my horrible flaws.

Going to 6th period was a nightmare. My legs were shaking horribly and I was afraid I was going to fall flat on my face in front of him. Yes, I was going to accept this challenge. This time, I will live it out.
I walked slow after not seeing him after his friends passed me. When I was about 7... 10 feet away, I saw him come out of the bathroom. I stepped in front of him to sort of signal "Stop, I'm going to talk to you" Now once I did this, there is no walking straight out of it.
"Okay. Do you want to hang out sometime?"
"'Kay," he said. His voice is kinda quiet and deep, making it slightly hard to hear.
"Okay?" I gave two thumbs up (YES!! I don't have to carry around that stupid math book anymore. YAY!)
"Yeah," he gave back one thumb up.
In my mind I was thinking, 'Do you want my phone number?' But that might just be kind of awkward... my legs feel like they are going to give in....
I may have said something else before I started walking to my class again. Body shaking all over. I got into the classroom, smiling, and collapsed (basically) on the step thingies in the drama room and put my head in my hands. 'Oh. My. God. I actually did it.'

*inhale... exhale* (haha, that's a band... okay, I'm done)
Yesterday's "thing" had me going... ish.
I don't know what I'm saying... I've got this adreniline rush that I've had for a while.... which can not be healthy..... *thinks*

Anyway, so today.... at lunch *exhale*, I decided to just go for it. Just go over there, with Frisbee of course, and Kyrsten (or w/e her name is), and say 'hi'.
Oh man...
Anxiety seriously kicked in. I could NOT get the smile off of my face, but once I got up and was pushed along, the smile disappeared, and the cold feet got colder. I would not look at where I was going. I knew where I was being pushed to, but I would not look at anywhere except at my pushees and the floor.
Oh, man... I am SO not doing this. What is WRONG with me?!
Everyone at our table was cheering me on... 'oh my god...'
'Damnit, how did I get here so fast?'
Staring at the ground-ish, I heard the guys say 'Hi' to Frisbee (who they call James), I waved, looking back up.
I looked at Tyler, who turned to look at James. I remember he said "Hi" and waved... at me. But... I was so nervous, I can't even remember clearly anymore.

I believe Fris said something about saying "hi," or whatever, so I said, "Fine. Hi," and I gave a huge wave.
Sometime along the way, I remember saying, "Okay... my face is really red" I may have used that as an excuse to go back. Kyrsten tried blocking me. Just like yesterday when I "yelled" at Fris (at least it sounded like I was yelling... to me.... o.O... yeah.... shut up), I "yelled" something along the lines of "I'm going back, and you aren't going to stop me."
I saw Frisbee leaning over the table and I believed he said something like "My friend has a crush on your friend." Too focused on getting away, I didn't freak upon hearing that. I just assumed I heard wrong. Obviously.

I don't remember the walk back to the table. But when I got back, I knew my face was bright red. 'Holy crap. I did not just do that....' We all explained what happened multiple times to Karlie and Caitlin and Brit. OMG... EVERYONE was looking at me. I felt like I was being interogated but... by friends. It felt so weird. I put my head down now and then or put my hands over my head (like in Mr. Blaesing's "Earthquake Country" poster. Know what I mean?)
Oh, on my way back to the table, I asked Frisbee what he said and he DID INDEED say "My friend has a huge crush on your friend."
"Oh, you did NOT! Holy--! You did not! Oh God..."
'What must he think of me? Some insane girl he doesn't know likes him?' I mean... that's one of the worst case senarios.

It wasn't long (it felt like) until Randy came to our table. "Was that the first time you've talked to him?"
'Oh damnit!' "Yeah."
"So you like him, even though you don't know him?"
I buried my head. I may have said something, however.
(Note... I don't recall the order of the things of Randy's conversation with me)
I went back to talking to someone else for a bit until Randy tapped my shoulder lightly.
He said (something like): "I don't mean to bring down your spirits, but he's not really, but kinda seeing someone."
....
THEN it didn't hurt. I was too happy that I actually TALKED to him and that he TALKED to me and waved (YES, saying "Hi" counts as talking!).
Randy said that because of this, Tyler was like "Oh, crap".... which made me feel like "Oh, crap..."
Karlie asked something, so I told her about Randy saying that Tyler was kinda but not really going out with someone. And do you know what she said? She said something that was SO not Karlie! Wanna know? Tune in next time!!! Haha, joking.... She said, "So what?!" and I was laughing so hard. We had to repeat what we said to... Brit I think.... maybe. Well then the ENTIRE table was cracking up.

I remember Randy said that Tyler was cool.
Caitlin at some point said something about knowing it was warm, so she didn't bring her sweater, so I said "I always have to have my jacket."
"Why? Because it has the Kill Hannah symbol on it?"
"Not really... I'm just insecure."
Randy cut in, "Why are you insecure?"
"Because I am"
"Why?"
"Because I have a low self-esteem"
"Is that why you were afraid to talk to him?"
"Yeah, and because I'm really shy."
Then we ALL talked about being shy and not being shy or used to being shy... and stuff....
Thanks to Randy (hopefully... not really hopefully.... I don't know) Tyler might know that I'm insecure, I have low self-esteem, and I'm shy. Yay me! Oh, and out of curiousity I asked Randy what Tyler thought of me and he said he didn't know because it was the first time we talked (?), but that Randy himself thought I was funny. "Really?" "Yeah."

Randy (before that last piece) asked me what I knew about Tyler, so I listed off the stuff. After this was probly when he said that Tyler was cool. Oh yeah. I picked out someone good this time... didn't I? God, I hate making bad decisions.


In 5th period, I was too worried about what he may say to me if he wanted to talk.... I mean.... if I were him, I'd avoid me! Karlie and I were passing notes (hey, she sits RIGHT behind me, we were watching a movie, and we had a sub), which was naturally rotated around Tyler.... why would it not? Anyway, yeah.... she told me to have eye contact and say Hi to him. Ha! As if!!!
Yeah, going to 6th, I did pass him, but I didn't have the courage (or the space) to run or do what I wanted.... I don't know what I wanted... when I think about it.

I had my counselor (shrink) visit after school today. Yeah, I got a new shrink. AND, she LOVES chocolate.... and wolves. Today was my 2nd visit with her, and I seriously love her (for lack of better words). She is awesome. Uh... Martha Martin, if you want to right that down. Her office is right by Walgreens and Grocery Outlet in Camas... it's like these office suite thingies... SOOOO much better than having to go ALLL the way to Van to talk to evil Umphred.

ANYWAY.... where was I? Oh yeah... once I got home.... ALL I could think about was Tyler. How he looked at me at lunch. How he said 'hi' (yes, I got to cloud nine from that) AND waved (Eeek!). Then right after that, I would instantly think of what Randy said about the girl and Tyler's reaction.... oh shit... everytime I think about this, something heavy lands on my chest and my eyes water.... oh frick.... why am I reacting like this? I mean.... the way Randy put it.... it sounded like Tyler was already after someone and was just ALMOST there.... or it was something very.... loose..... Ha, I'm speaking in past tense.... I hope it's correct though. I hope it isn't correct in present tense.... my god I sound so pathetic....

DAMNIT! (((Haha, that reminds me of Emma on Monday, and Jake ingeniously instantly said, "She's talking about the Columbia. We need to dam it." That is still hilarious)))

Ugh.... I seriously hate this. I hate how I feel. I hate that I can't do what I want to do.
I can't smile when I look at him. I can't say 'Hi'.

Then how am I going to get anywhere?

Naturally, he passed the table to go out into the hallway with his friends. Frisbee, I swear, is just as persistent about me meeting Tyler as Karlie is. It's kinda freaky.
"You should go with James and meet him at the library."
I had to give in.
"Fine. I also need to look at a research book." Which was true.
I had my hood on all lunch... so I left it on. But honestly, I think I look horrible with it on... I don't know... just something about it.
As we walked to the library, I explained to Frisbee why I needed a reference book... blah. Then we turned that corner so we were in the hallway of the library, and I look up from my paper (which I brought), because I heard guys talking and laughing and, just as I thought, THERE they were. Yay me!

I didn't look at them as they said (well, 2 of them... out of 3), "Hey James," I thought they were going to say something about me, but they didn't. I expected a "Who's this?" or "Who's the girl?" or (by how they said hi/looked at us) "Who's your girlfriend?"
I didn't look at their faces much. I had my eyes on the ground most of the time, I believe. But when I did look up, I, naturally, looked at Tyler first. Looking at me.... or James.... we WERE walking side by side. I don't recall looking at Matt, but I did look at Roman, who had this smile on.
Frisbee tried to tell them to stop, but they didn't. He asked me why I didn't say 'Hi,' and my reply was "I'm sorry I can't talk!" my voice wavering and cracking. Then, he grabbed my arm and DRAGGED me after them. Frisbee asked me what his name was again. So he was about to yell out his name, but they were already a ways away.

Make no sense of the title. I needed something neat sounding... and, well.... due to some horrible sickness (a cold, possibly... some sort of drainage), my throat hurts and my voice keeps cracking.

((Haha, I'm watching Twelfth Night (1996 movie based off of Shakespeare.... where there is this girl disguised as a guy), and there's this part with a guy playing and singing a love song. Then the disguised girl and her "lord" are listening... then the lord comes to her, puts an arm around her. Slowing they get closer together (a side view), and now and then it shows a shot of the guy singing and he has this face like "oh my god.... what the fuck.... I can't look away..." then he stops playing and the view goes to the front of the two, and they are almost kissing, and they break apart as the guy takes a drink of beer))





Umm... you know Chell right? Chell Eckman.... Ashley's little sister? Yeah, well anyway, I don't know what you others think about her, but she is really sweet to me.... and yeah.
So.... on the bus, Steph was telling me how she was going to glare at me until I actually talked to him. This struck a sort of Deja Vu chord, but it actually HAD happened before. So I said, "You said that before."
"Did I?"
"Yes."
"I must've forgotten over the weekend."

Chell was sitting in the seat in front of us. As Steph got off, she asked me "What were you talking about?"
I turned to the page with his picture (in the yearbook, obviously), and I showed it to Chell, who always has this smile on when I tell her something "juicy."
"What about Tyler?"
Facial expressions are enough at this point. I smile widely.
"Oooh. I have him in my band class."
"Can you tell me what he's like?"
"Well, he's quiet. He's loyal and sweet."
"So he's an okay guy?"
"Yeah, he's really sweet. He's very honest, though," she stopped to think a bit. "Being honest is good though" (or something like that)
I said something about it reminding me of... me. It felt so odd.... Is it possible to fall in love with someone so much like you? Like... personality wise, I mean. I'm not saying I love him... because I don't. I'm just infatuated with him... a stupid crush. Another stupid crush.

"What does he play?"
"He plays the drums. And guitar on his own time." OOoooh man... after she said this, I did this weird shaky thing, like a really intense shiver... if you understand what I'm getting at.... I said something about hating this (feeling, I meant).
Chell said she thought it was cute. Oh, have I ever said that Chell thinks I'm pretty? Yeah, she even wrote it in my yearbook... yeah, I feel flattered, but I don't believe her.... such is my self-esteem.

((Oh, man, I've had "Crybaby" play OVER and OVER for at least an hour now... I'm addicted to this song.))