Watching the news talk about how 5 different people donated a kidney to 5 people (like a mix and match).


So I'm saying "One of them looked like they were on crack.... Donee?"
My mom looks at me, not hearing a single word I just said, "What?"
"Donee? The person being donated to."
My dad says, "Donator?"
"No, the one being donated TO, not the one donating. So do you call them donees?"
"Recipiants," my mom said.
"No, it makes no sense. They don't go together, I mean."
"Why would you call them a donee?" My dad stated.
"Because it's cool to say 'donee'."
"Donut?" Matt puts in.
"Donee!"
"Is that even a word?" My mom says to me.

So I run to the computer.

Donee:
Main Entry: do·nee
Function: noun
Pronunciation: "dO-'ne
Etymology: donor: a recipient of a gift

That was the AOL version. The dictionary.com version had different meanings like "a recipient of biological material (as blood or a graft)" and "one that receives or is granted something (as a gift or power)".



So yes, I was very excited that donee is a word. But I'm also sad that I can't make it MY word. But that ain't gonna stop me from using it whenever I can!! DONEE!!! Yay!

ROMThere's so many better things I could be doing right now. Homework, for one. Right now, though, I feel like spilling out my guts right now... both theoretically and literally. But hell... I haven't slept good for as long as I can remember (which at this moment isn't very far), and my brain capacity has gone down at least 50% since I've been up over.... 27 hours straight. Go me! I only started feeling tired an hour ago....


I have this song in my head, I'm listening it to it as I type, I've "TiVo'ed" it, and I'm pissed at myself because I pressed the button before the last most awesome chord of the whole freaking song. I'm also DYING to get the CD.... really, I am. "Voices" by Saosin. I've also heard "Bury Your Head" a couple of times, and I LOVE them both.

"And I was blessed and I've forgotten how to love."

I'm not sure if It's one line or not, but I'm too lazy too check if it's meant to be seperate lines or what. But the "I've forgotten how to love" is kinda like the sticker that would be planted on my forehead.... Not sure if that made sense.... GIMME A BREAK!
That doesn't meant that I don't love anyone (especially the ones reading this, *hint hint*), it's just I don't know how to fall in love with a guy. Where's the line between crush and love? Is there a line? I swear, one day I'm going to be sent to an insane aslyum from making myself crazy from so many mindless questions that normal people say "So what?" in reply.


I don't even know what I like in a guy. I'm so confused with this guy I used to like, I thought he liked me, we stopped talking, I'm discovering more of his flaws, and I don't know how I fell towards him, anymore....

The other day, I saw him talking with a guy I used to like a bit... it was sooo weird to watch that.


I really don't care if you don't care, but I'm going to put in THIS single post just about everything I've written in my journal about that "nameless" guy. It won't be word for word, I might cut stuff out. And at first, I actually used his name before... yeah. Things in [ ] are like to inform you that I just added..... like: Whatshisface [guy that sits next to me in such and such class].... get it? ....Leave the sleep-deprived woman alone! And I'm talking about myself, nimrods *hits them in back of the head*.... And note, it's not like the WHOLE day's entries... it's just excerpts (I totally spaced out on that word for a bit... notice that "totally" I put in.... totally)



Thursday, Sept. 7, 2006

Japanese class is awesome.

I could leave it at that, but this... thing happened in that class.

He wasn't at school the first week, and on his first day, he sat behind Karlie and right of James Bastian [I sit left of Karlie and in front of James].

His first words (I believe) to me on Wed. (yesterday) was "Stop cheating" (he was joking) because I was trying to remember what a certain "letter" was (we're learning the hiragana alphabet). I said "Me? Cheat off him? Yeah." and James B. said "Yeah, she always cheats off of me," or something along those lines [it's usually the other way around].

Then today was just--weird. I don't remember much of the beginning. *He* claimed he was hyper... which he was. James B. was testing himself, and he tried testing me, but *he* would often blurt them out before me. It was funny, actually.

It was either before or after that that uh... well, don't you just hate it when a guy reads your shirt, or when anyone thinks it says something else? So I most likely looking at Karlie, and *he* said "Blink 182?", Me: "What?", Him: "Is that Blink 182?", Me: "No.", Him: "It looked like Blink 182." I moved my hair away "It's Lacuna Coil.", Him: "Never heard of them." Me (not surprised): "Of course you haven't." I almost told him that I hated Blink 182 [which I do, don't kill me... please], but I didn't want to offend him if he liked them.

Later, Fuchigami handed out the field trip papers for Sept. 16 (a Saturday), and when Karlie passed one back to *him*, he dropped it. "Nice," I said. I smiled when he said, "Shut up," because it's EXACTLY what I would've said.

We did a review of the hiragana she already taught us, then afterwards, she said she was going to show us calligraphy, so we had to gather around her. Just before I stood, *he* poked my arm... old memories rushed back. "Oh, I've got another poker on my hands," I said, trying to decifer the reason he did it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I find him the most attractive guy in the class... but I don't know.


I think my heart's finally found a way to not hold on to guys too hard.





{Okay, that was written on Nov. 11. Now it's Dec. 8 (wow, I'm slow).}


Saturday, Sept. 9, 2006
1:21 am.

I guess... I'm an easy person to talk to... I'm like getting better at talking to people in my classes, I guess. I don't know. Maybe it's because of my lack of friends in some classes, but with this one guy, it doesn't make much sense.
In Japanese, I can so easily talk to *him* [no, really, I think he's really cute], who today was wearing a shirt that said "I'm in my happy place. Back soon." I almost commented on it, but I don't know.

We had to write down the entire hiragana alphabet, and we had to go up to show sensei and pronounce it right for her. *he* was in front of me. I noticed his freaking awesome notebook. It was black and white stripes that swirled all psychadelic-like. He looked at my writing and I pressed it against my chest, hiding it. He said, "Come on, I want to see." I hesitated a bit before showing him. I can't remember what he said.



Saturday, Sept. 16, 2006
1:27 am

I know I'm developing feeling for a guy. I keep telling myself not to feel in such a way. I don't want to get a crush on him. But... then again I do. Just to get those few and far between highs when he says certain things.

I know once I start crushing, it will hurt. Maybe the more time it takes to crush, the less it will hurt.

But the fact that I think he like me isn't helping my process much.

The other day he told me what my Japanese name should be (Black/silver art). He showed me a card with other names for me. What was he doing it? Why wasn't he also doing it for other people? It still makes me smile, though, thinking about it. Then today (Sept. 15, I mean), I was sitting in my desk when someone went beind me and said in my ear... something in Japanese. Going through my limited vocabulary [at the time], I said, "Is that my name?" "Yeah," he said. Looking sideways at him, I noticed he was standing, but leaning over in a way that would've killed my back then. Our heads were like... a foot away from each other, if that. I started imaging him kissing me [Well, wouldn't you? I can't be the only one!]. I avoided his eyes the whole time... in fact, I don't think I've ever looked at them. Then he started talking to Karlie still standing like he was for just a few seconds. Not much later, when he was passing, and I was going through my backpack, he put his hand on my head, just like what Kevin [Kuhn] does .



Wednesday, Sept. 20, 2006
9:05 pm.

Japanese class... *he* put on glasses, and it was definately an eye-opener [I hadn't seen him wear them before]. I sais I liked them, and I do, I really do! [Yes, I do really like them still] He gave them to me saying he just got them yesterday. I put them on, wanting to see if they were anything close to mine, but they weren't. It sounds like he's had others.

I fell a bit more.

During class I think I was saying something, then *he* gave a smart-alecky statement. Followed was his huge smile where he scrunches his nose up. Those always make me smile [*daydreams*]. I laughed from his joke a little [I can't remember if it was bad or good, but I laugh at bad jokes, too, because they are so bad]. I think it was then, with his glasses, smile, and all that I realized I dropped further (as stated above).

Coming out of Enlighs, he was rushing out of his class at the same time [he has math in Ignoffo's across the hall]. This girl ran out and grabbed her water bottle (or something like it) back from him, and... I realized... he was a teenage guy. Him even begin to like me? I sat alone in my mind for the rest of the walk to PE [It was weird, actually. I just let my legs take me. I didn't take in anything around me at all. As if my mind and body were separate... or something....]. It was like I was punishing myself.

[Blah, blah, blah. PE was horrible. Sept. 20 is "Be A Jerk" Day]

Waiting for the bus. I felt like crying. Hell, I almost did in PE. Somehow Brooke said something that lifted me a bit. It was something funny. I was wondering where the hell Kevin was. It would've been real nice for him to make me laugh. I looked to see if I could find him somewhere... and SOMEHOW my eyes go to *him*, who had just stood up from sitting on the concrete wall thingies, and was walking. So I thought "Yeah, find out who his friends are." He joined the group of Josh Service, Jermiah Jones, and like 2 other people that I didn't take the time to recognize. I was okay with it. At least it wasn't like Tracy Cadwell, Jacob Sparrel, or other "gangstas". I wasn't looking long when Jones looked in my general direction... can't remember if there was a finger (as in pointing, not the other finger) or not. Then *he* looked in that "direction" also, and my eyes went elsewhere immediantly. Bus came not even 5 seconds later. Whew!

That last thing reminds me of when I was looking at the cafeteria area a while back as the luch bell rang. And immediantly my eyes went to him by the SE tables. This was like 1 week after meeting him. I thought, "Oh, wow. You've ALREADY been able to spot him in a crowd. Congrats... oh god, I'm screwed."




{Yes, I know this is going on forever, and I still got a ways to go. YAY! Now continue readdng, damnit}



Thursday, Sept. 21, 2006

I know I'm going to get hurt.

I know it.

But I can't help anything I do. Maybe it's just to hope talking. Hope.

And lately, my emotions have been a roller coaster. Around him, it's joy. And not is... sadness. Depression sometimes. I think... it's because I'm hating myself for being like that around him. I hate myself for falling already.

And I can't stop myself from falling. You can't stop falling in mid-air.

Why am I falling so fast? I haven't even known the guy for a month yet....

You have no idea how scared I am that history might repeat itself [now, it kinda already has].

I've CONSTANTLY told myself, "School is for education, not romance," but when you think about it, it kinda goes hand in hand. What do you expect when you put teens of the opposite genders in the same room?


"Close my eyes and brace myself. I only notice your face. No matter what, you're gonna break my shell." ~ "I'm Sorry" - Flyleaf




{I'm skipping a bit here. Even where he effing pinched my arm. I know I told Brittni... but if anyone wants to hear it, just say so....}



Thursday, Oct. 12, 2006
8:48 pm.

I'm not 'daydreaming' as much about him anymore. As in like... kissing.... er.... yeah. Shut up.

I can't tell anymore if he's flirting or not.

I... don't really care about that anymore.

Yesterday I was writing something as he walked in. He walked by and like... grabbed my hand, but didn't. I turned to him after a second of trying to figure it out, "What was that for?" I had told myself the day before never to ask him that again. "Were you trying to take my pencil?" I asked. "Yeah," he said. I shook my head slightly (I guess I do it when I think he's insane or something... which he can be), and I turned back to the paper and began writing again. Not evem 30-45 seconds later, he leans over and snatches my pencil [my god, it was like a snake striking] from my hold, and starts using it. I mostly likely said "Ugh" or a sound close to that. He did give it back to me after a minute or so, but still. Maybe he thought I was going to fight to get it back.


"Over and over, over and over, I fall for you. Over and over, over and over, I try not to. Over and over, over and over, you make me fall for you. Over and over, over and over, you don't even try to." ~"Over And Over" - Three Days Grace


[Bloody hell... I wrote quite a bit more, then tried saving it and it.... bloody... damnit! *kills internet*.... yeah, so what I wrote went *puff*. Btw, it's Dec. 18 right now.]



Tuesday, Oct. 24, 2006
9:58 pm

[In this part, I kinda sound morbid and overdramatic, but... yeah... whatever] He got moved to the front of the classroom, like the other side of it. And when he found out, he went "Yes!" Like he was so happy to get away from me. Why are they always? James asked him why and he said that he couldn't see back there.... Then why did he go there in the first place?

We don't even talk anymore.

He doesn't poke me and give me a huge smile when I look at him.

We don't joke together.

I don't help him with his Japanese anymore.

Does he even look at me?

"I don't know who you are. But now, somehow, you're breaking me heart.... I need ten more minutes with you." - Kill Hannah

And I'd give anything to have those 10 minutes.
Just 5 minutes is fine.
One sentence.
Anything.


Whatever you do, don't leave me hanging.

I think I'm slowly falling apart. I can't not look at him and wonder what the fuck happened. Wonder if he likes it better to sit way over there. Wonder if he knows he was one of the many that have made a rip in my heart.

I'll get over it, I know I will. I've done it before, and I'll do it again.

But how many rips does it take until a heart bleeds to death?



Wednesday, Oct. 25, 2006
3:49 pm

Things were better today.

In Japanese after James, *him*, Colton, and someone else did the today, yesterday, etc. *he* gave me the card [so then I'll do it the next day]. I looked at the back, reading the names. I didn't look at him as he stood there. I nodded, saying "Okay" thinking he was there to make sure I hadn't done it yet. It took a bit until he went back to his desk.


~~More later. PROMISE!! And it will be added on to this post~~