I want to make this short, bitter-sweet, and to the point. I don't think I've ever said to this to anyone before... and NO, I'm NOT a lesbian, no matter how many times people say I am (Especially Kevin (Freak) Jewell). I'm NOT! So anyway, I already got off track... sorry.

Well, I rememer saying that I've never been kissed before. Even when Tom and I went out for 3 1/2 horrid months... but I'm glad. I don't want to remember it with some guy that turned out to be someone else... someone that I was hiding from myself... and I don't think I've said that last part to ANYONE.... The thing about me... sometimes I crave love, other times I hate it. I blame the teenage hormones... which got me thinking (a few days ago), teenage hormones DON'T go away. So shouldn't it be called "pre-adult" or "adult" hormones? Cause I mean, some of the old guys can be even hornier than a teenager. Others, it wears off. It gets under control. As if it doesn't exist anymore....

And I got off track again. This is my mind EVERY DAY. It skips from this to this, back to this... OMG,no wonder!... then to something else...

So I've been revisting *Rimfrost (on DeviantART) again, looking through the "new" stuff, checking out the old stuff. Awhile ago, I finished looking through her ENTIRE gallery (like 190 images... about 95% of her freaking awesome comics... which are a MUST SEE!!), and I had seen that she was going out with another Deviant called *SaintSazzle, so I went to check him out. He's a photographer, and his most recent pics were of Maria (*Rimfrost), and I just love the one where she's holding a clover. His pics with greenery are so GREEN, like the green you see only at Ireland or a golf course. They are so gorgeous. So, anyway, they just sound SOOOO freaking sweet together... and... my eyes started tearing up. I'm such an emotional person, I hate it... like that one day in English... you guys know what I'm talking about, don't you? Thankfully, it wasn't the WHOLE class... just... more than half.... Still, I hope that never happens AGAIN... even though I KNOW it will.


Somedays I wish I had a boyfriend to comfort me. But then, that's what friends are for. Somedays I do just want to cuddle, and I end up having to do it with my blanket wrapped around me, and laying on my bed as I hold Berry as tight as possible. Somedays I do wish I can say "I love you" to a guy, and not have to be afraid of what he'll do.... Maybe if I actually get a right boyfriend, I'll finally know what love is... what it feels like. Maybe he'll get my life on track. Instead of ending up surfing the net until 5 am in the morning... well, right now it's only about 1:30, so I'm good.

It's like having the perfect boyfriend is replacing your parents. Your parents took care of you, kept you from harm, helped you... now the boyfriend can do that. Now you don't have to disturb your parents so much. Like... did you guys hear about that earthquake a few weeks ago? I was up then, and I don't remember feeling it much, but I heard this THUMP, and I figured it was a tree, but it was like... by the cars, and stuff... then after that, I heard this ticking noise. A bomb was what first came into my head. I was really shook up, went outside armed with a flashlight, and I checked areas over and over again. So after that, still shaking, I went to my parents room and woke them up. I didn't care how I'd get told off. I was freaking out. All I need was comforting like back in the days when I would just have to scream if I had a nightmare, and my parents would come rushing to the room. Now, they've set rules. I can't wake them up for something stupid like a bothersome headache or a stomache that's slowly killing me inside. It's like now... I have to be bleeding to a critical point, or throwing up badly. I mean, EVERYONE needs to be comforted once in awhile. Well, they didn't give it to me. They told me to worry about it in the morning.... Typical. And yes, I've been crying since I started writing about this story. It's just that I needed someone then... and no one was there. I know it sounds pathetic how I freaked out so much, but you gotta remember... I've been off Zoloft for over a month now.


So basically, thinking about boyfriends makes me cry. I guess that's what I've been trying to say.



Today (well, I mean, Friday), Kill Hannah was on the Fuse Gets Malled Tour... freakin awesome. I never would've known that their shirt "Welcome to Chicago, Motherfucker" (their trademark song that they sang at 'our' concert) was banned from ALL schools across Illionis. Also I never would've figured out that the song "Love You To Death" was about kidnapping. Well, I guess it's like the people knew each other, and he fell for her so hard that he kidnapped her... you have to check out the lyrics: "Open your eyes, we're here/Are you okay?/I did all I could just to get you to stay/For so many years " that's not all of it... Mat said he actually had a dream that he was watching this band play a song where the chorus was "Love You To Death" and so when he woke, he started working on them. I just find dream-inspired arts amazing (writings, songs, paintings, etc.).



(Sorry. I DID have more written, well, like more detail, but I was on the main computer, and it does this thing where it restarts itself... and it did just that. So I lost it. I'm feeling better about it)