The more I think about it, the more I realize how I've changed.
The even more I think about it, the more I realize I change a lot.
Some for better, some worse.
The more I think about it, the more I realize I'm not really that dark of a person.
The even more I think about it, the more I realize that sometimes I am... a dark person.
My own thoughts scare me.
The more I think about it, the more I think it's Kill Hannah.
The even more I think about, it might be Kevin.
The more I think about it, I realize I don't like Kevin that way.
I admit, I used to have a crush on him, it went away MONTHS ago.
I'm just more sure that I'm right -- now other than 2 months ago.
I'm just trying to say that... I'm more positive. Well, maybe not positive... but maybe I'm just better at handling my depression, maybe just making it feel... happier for myself.
I gotta say, I get these depression swings. Only once a day, I believe. Thus I get depressed usually at night lately. I don't know what it is.
The more I think about it, I think it's My So-Called Life. And I'm now 95% certain I've seen all 19 episodes.
The even more I think about it the more I believe it's lack of seeing friends. Friend interaction. I blame it on my... bad phone skills (I'm not a phone person). Speaking of which, by the way, I got a cell phone! Wheeee!! Now I don't have to use other people's cells to call my parents.
Just... out of nowhere, I'll get this urge to cry. I try to find SOMETHING that I can cry to. I don't know...
Back to my positive thing... it's like I'm not so into metal... or maybe it's just I'm getting into more upbeat things... like Kill Hannah, and OK Go is good, too (I LOVE their videos "A Million Ways" and "Here It Goes Again"). It's always a breath of fresh air when I hear a haunting melody, though... example: Breaking Benjamin's "Diary of Jane"... WONDERFUL song. I really wanted to get their LAST album (We Are Not Alone) when the song "So Cold" came out, but it was explicit... so I hope that when I go and pick up Phobia at a music store, I won't see and explicit sticker on it.
Well... right now the right side of my head is throbbing slightly and... I want to make sure it has no chance of exploding or coming close to it... so I'm gonna leave with just what I have here... no matter how bad it sounds to me.
welcome to
{A Dark Soul}
navigate using the bars above
O P H E L I A C
by Emilie Autumn
I'm your Opheliac
I've been so disillusioned
I know you'd take me back
But still I feign confusion
I couldn't be your friend
My world was too unstable
You might have seen the end
But you were never able
To keep me breathing
As the water rises up again
Before I slip away
You know the games I play
And the words I say
When I want my own way
You know the lies I tell
When you've gone through hell
And I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be
To keep believing in me
When everything and everyone
Becomes my enemy and when
There's nothing more you can do
I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I want to be
I only hope that in the end you will see
It's the Opheliac in me
I'm your Opheliac
My stockings prove my virtue
I'm open to attack
But I don't want to hurt you
Whether I swim or sink
That's no concern of yours now
How could you possibly think
You had the power to know how
To keep me breathing
As the water rises up again
Before I slip away
You know the games I play
And the words I say
When I want my own way
You know the lies I tell
When you've gone through hell
And I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be
To keep believing in me
When everything and everyone
Becomes my enemy and when
There's nothing more you can do
I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I want to be
I only hope that in the end you will see
It's the Opheliac in me
Studies show:
Intelligent girls are more depressed
Because they know
What the world is really like
Don't think for a beat it makes it better
When you sit her down and tell her
Everything gonna be all right
She knows in society she either is
A devil or an angel with no in between
She speaks in the third person
So she can forget that she's me
Doubt thou the stars are fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt
Doubt thou the stars are fire
Doubt thou the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt I love
You know the games I play
And the words I say
When I want my own way
You know the lies I tell
When you've gone through hell
And I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be
To keep believing in me
When everything and everyone
Becomes my enemy and when
There's nothing more you can do
I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I want to be
I only hope that in the end you will see
Y O U T U B E L O V E
sharing the love <3
embed your favourite youtube video here. make sure to change the object width to 360 and height to 292 so that it fits :D
:D
M U S I C
filling ears with love
more lovin'
P R O F I L E
me myself and i :D
Megan
9/14/90 (so I'm 20)
The Pacific Northwest! Yay rain!!
(I will not accept any offers to advertise on or about my blog)
Loves
Music, Chocolate, Internet, Invader Zim, Writing, Reading, Photography, Drawing, Dreaming, Computers, Pandas! <3, Galaxy (my laptop), My iPod, Rain, Snow, Wind, Blogging, Ice cream, The Moon, Full Moons, Stars, Glowsticks, Glow-in-the-dark-things, Stuffed animals, Recycling, Concerts, Hide-and-seek, Laughing, Choices, Doing random things, Doing nothing, My FRIENDS!
Hates
Jerks, Spiders, Heights, Needles, Shrinks that don't eat chocolate, HEADACHES! DX, Roadkill, Meat, PMSing, Drama, Spicy foods, Pink, The Sun
MUSIC
Evanescence |
My Chemical Romance |
Kill Hannah |
Sick Puppies |
Flyleaf |
30 Seconds To Mars |
From First to Last |
Chevelle |
10 Years |
Shiny Toy Guns |
The Used |
Enter Shikari |
Linkin Park |
Avenged Sevenfold |
Story of the Year |
Emilie Autumn |
Green Day |
Lacuna Coil |
Scarling. |
kidneythieves |
Secret & Whisper |
Paramore |
Birthday Massacre |
Resident Hero |
{And about a bajillion others. I'm lazy though. I'll get to it eventually.}
Wheee!
I N S P I R E
things that will change your life
[S O N G S.}
ONE. "Reduced to Teeth" - Finch
TWO: "Anything Can Happen In The Next Half Hour..." - Enter Shikari
THREE. "Hello" - Evanescence
FOUR: "All The Same" - Sick Puppies
FIVE. "The Kill" - 30 Seconds to Mars
SIX: "Demolition Lovers" - My Chemical Romance
SEVEN. "Mad World" - Gary Jules
EIGHT: "Slide" - The Dresden Dolls
NINE. "Let The Flames Begin" - Paramore
TEN: "Sunrise, Sunset" - Bright Eyes
ELEVEN. "Imagine" - (I prefer A Perfect Circle's cover)
TWELVE: "Cellar Door" - Escape The Fate
THIRTEEN. "Ender" - Finch
FOURTEEN: "Because" - The Beatles
FIFTEEN. "A Beautiful Lie" - 30 Seconds To Mars
SIXTEEN: "Strawberry Gashes" - Jack Off Jill
SEVENTEEN. "Sleep" - Story of the Year
EIGHTEEN: "Great White Whale" - Secret & Whisper
NINETEEN. "Goodnight" - The Birthday Massacre
TWENTY: "Hit The Floor" - Bullet For My Valentine
TWENTY-ONE. "Blow" - Atreyu
TWENTY-TWO. "Crystalised" - The xx
ONE. "Reduced to Teeth" - Finch
TWO: "Anything Can Happen In The Next Half Hour..." - Enter Shikari
THREE. "Hello" - Evanescence
FOUR: "All The Same" - Sick Puppies
FIVE. "The Kill" - 30 Seconds to Mars
SIX: "Demolition Lovers" - My Chemical Romance
SEVEN. "Mad World" - Gary Jules
EIGHT: "Slide" - The Dresden Dolls
NINE. "Let The Flames Begin" - Paramore
TEN: "Sunrise, Sunset" - Bright Eyes
ELEVEN. "Imagine" - (I prefer A Perfect Circle's cover)
TWELVE: "Cellar Door" - Escape The Fate
THIRTEEN. "Ender" - Finch
FOURTEEN: "Because" - The Beatles
FIFTEEN. "A Beautiful Lie" - 30 Seconds To Mars
SIXTEEN: "Strawberry Gashes" - Jack Off Jill
SEVENTEEN. "Sleep" - Story of the Year
EIGHTEEN: "Great White Whale" - Secret & Whisper
NINETEEN. "Goodnight" - The Birthday Massacre
TWENTY: "Hit The Floor" - Bullet For My Valentine
TWENTY-ONE. "Blow" - Atreyu
TWENTY-TWO. "Crystalised" - The xx
(Not in much of an order)
T O D O L I S T
this should be useful
Stop A Bullet
Surgery
Sunrise, Sunset
Autopsy Song~
Breath
Mastermind
The Undertaker's Thirst
T A G B O A R D
yakkity yak yak
Yes, I took it down.
I don't promote spamming.
The More I Think About It..
1:54 AM - Thursday, August 24, 2006
Evanescence
5:32 PM - Monday, August 21, 2006
Uh... I watched Evanescence's new video: "Call Me When You're Sober"... yeah, weird title, huh? That's what I thought. Well, it's a nice video... just nice... the "wolfman" or Oliver Goodwill is hot. One of those guys you can stare at for hours. Amy Lee looks... weird with the lipstick and curly hair... but I can deal with that. She worked on her vocals. It's like she can hold notes better. Her voice is more powerful was my first thought. Damn me for realizing this, let alone THINKING it in the first place, but the very beginning of the songs when there's no instruments, Amy's voice reminds me of.... Christina Aguleria (or w/e), and once I thought that, I couldn't get it out again.
I really like the first half of the song, but I don't care for the second. Watching the video made me wonder what happened to the bassist... William Boyd (yes, I had to look that up). He's the guy that had the red hair.
Now I'm bittersweet about the new album. I know it's going to be amazing, but maybe I should lower my expectations a bit. Cuz they said over a year ago that they won't come out with a new album until they think it's the best album they've ever heard... so... I'll just hope.
Note on Mentos and Coke... regular Coke doesn't work. It has to be diet... another note... don't swallow the diet Coke and Mentos... it makes you're stomach feel really funny... the bad funny. I need to go to the bathroom...
Sorry about the delay again (it was like 2 days... maybe 3). I wasn't sure if I wanted to add something or not.
I really like the first half of the song, but I don't care for the second. Watching the video made me wonder what happened to the bassist... William Boyd (yes, I had to look that up). He's the guy that had the red hair.
Now I'm bittersweet about the new album. I know it's going to be amazing, but maybe I should lower my expectations a bit. Cuz they said over a year ago that they won't come out with a new album until they think it's the best album they've ever heard... so... I'll just hope.
Note on Mentos and Coke... regular Coke doesn't work. It has to be diet... another note... don't swallow the diet Coke and Mentos... it makes you're stomach feel really funny... the bad funny. I need to go to the bathroom...
Sorry about the delay again (it was like 2 days... maybe 3). I wasn't sure if I wanted to add something or not.
Boyfriends
1:22 AM - Saturday, August 19, 2006
I want to make this short, bitter-sweet, and to the point. I don't think I've ever said to this to anyone before... and NO, I'm NOT a lesbian, no matter how many times people say I am (Especially Kevin (Freak) Jewell). I'm NOT! So anyway, I already got off track... sorry.
Well, I rememer saying that I've never been kissed before. Even when Tom and I went out for 3 1/2 horrid months... but I'm glad. I don't want to remember it with some guy that turned out to be someone else... someone that I was hiding from myself... and I don't think I've said that last part to ANYONE.... The thing about me... sometimes I crave love, other times I hate it. I blame the teenage hormones... which got me thinking (a few days ago), teenage hormones DON'T go away. So shouldn't it be called "pre-adult" or "adult" hormones? Cause I mean, some of the old guys can be even hornier than a teenager. Others, it wears off. It gets under control. As if it doesn't exist anymore....
And I got off track again. This is my mind EVERY DAY. It skips from this to this, back to this... OMG,no wonder!... then to something else...
So I've been revisting *Rimfrost (on DeviantART) again, looking through the "new" stuff, checking out the old stuff. Awhile ago, I finished looking through her ENTIRE gallery (like 190 images... about 95% of her freaking awesome comics... which are a MUST SEE!!), and I had seen that she was going out with another Deviant called *SaintSazzle, so I went to check him out. He's a photographer, and his most recent pics were of Maria (*Rimfrost), and I just love the one where she's holding a clover. His pics with greenery are so GREEN, like the green you see only at Ireland or a golf course. They are so gorgeous. So, anyway, they just sound SOOOO freaking sweet together... and... my eyes started tearing up. I'm such an emotional person, I hate it... like that one day in English... you guys know what I'm talking about, don't you? Thankfully, it wasn't the WHOLE class... just... more than half.... Still, I hope that never happens AGAIN... even though I KNOW it will.
Somedays I wish I had a boyfriend to comfort me. But then, that's what friends are for. Somedays I do just want to cuddle, and I end up having to do it with my blanket wrapped around me, and laying on my bed as I hold Berry as tight as possible. Somedays I do wish I can say "I love you" to a guy, and not have to be afraid of what he'll do.... Maybe if I actually get a right boyfriend, I'll finally know what love is... what it feels like. Maybe he'll get my life on track. Instead of ending up surfing the net until 5 am in the morning... well, right now it's only about 1:30, so I'm good.
It's like having the perfect boyfriend is replacing your parents. Your parents took care of you, kept you from harm, helped you... now the boyfriend can do that. Now you don't have to disturb your parents so much. Like... did you guys hear about that earthquake a few weeks ago? I was up then, and I don't remember feeling it much, but I heard this THUMP, and I figured it was a tree, but it was like... by the cars, and stuff... then after that, I heard this ticking noise. A bomb was what first came into my head. I was really shook up, went outside armed with a flashlight, and I checked areas over and over again. So after that, still shaking, I went to my parents room and woke them up. I didn't care how I'd get told off. I was freaking out. All I need was comforting like back in the days when I would just have to scream if I had a nightmare, and my parents would come rushing to the room. Now, they've set rules. I can't wake them up for something stupid like a bothersome headache or a stomache that's slowly killing me inside. It's like now... I have to be bleeding to a critical point, or throwing up badly. I mean, EVERYONE needs to be comforted once in awhile. Well, they didn't give it to me. They told me to worry about it in the morning.... Typical. And yes, I've been crying since I started writing about this story. It's just that I needed someone then... and no one was there. I know it sounds pathetic how I freaked out so much, but you gotta remember... I've been off Zoloft for over a month now.
So basically, thinking about boyfriends makes me cry. I guess that's what I've been trying to say.
Today (well, I mean, Friday), Kill Hannah was on the Fuse Gets Malled Tour... freakin awesome. I never would've known that their shirt "Welcome to Chicago, Motherfucker" (their trademark song that they sang at 'our' concert) was banned from ALL schools across Illionis. Also I never would've figured out that the song "Love You To Death" was about kidnapping. Well, I guess it's like the people knew each other, and he fell for her so hard that he kidnapped her... you have to check out the lyrics: "Open your eyes, we're here/Are you okay?/I did all I could just to get you to stay/For so many years " that's not all of it... Mat said he actually had a dream that he was watching this band play a song where the chorus was "Love You To Death" and so when he woke, he started working on them. I just find dream-inspired arts amazing (writings, songs, paintings, etc.).
(Sorry. I DID have more written, well, like more detail, but I was on the main computer, and it does this thing where it restarts itself... and it did just that. So I lost it. I'm feeling better about it)
Well, I rememer saying that I've never been kissed before. Even when Tom and I went out for 3 1/2 horrid months... but I'm glad. I don't want to remember it with some guy that turned out to be someone else... someone that I was hiding from myself... and I don't think I've said that last part to ANYONE.... The thing about me... sometimes I crave love, other times I hate it. I blame the teenage hormones... which got me thinking (a few days ago), teenage hormones DON'T go away. So shouldn't it be called "pre-adult" or "adult" hormones? Cause I mean, some of the old guys can be even hornier than a teenager. Others, it wears off. It gets under control. As if it doesn't exist anymore....
And I got off track again. This is my mind EVERY DAY. It skips from this to this, back to this... OMG,no wonder!... then to something else...
So I've been revisting *Rimfrost (on DeviantART) again, looking through the "new" stuff, checking out the old stuff. Awhile ago, I finished looking through her ENTIRE gallery (like 190 images... about 95% of her freaking awesome comics... which are a MUST SEE!!), and I had seen that she was going out with another Deviant called *SaintSazzle, so I went to check him out. He's a photographer, and his most recent pics were of Maria (*Rimfrost), and I just love the one where she's holding a clover. His pics with greenery are so GREEN, like the green you see only at Ireland or a golf course. They are so gorgeous. So, anyway, they just sound SOOOO freaking sweet together... and... my eyes started tearing up. I'm such an emotional person, I hate it... like that one day in English... you guys know what I'm talking about, don't you? Thankfully, it wasn't the WHOLE class... just... more than half.... Still, I hope that never happens AGAIN... even though I KNOW it will.
Somedays I wish I had a boyfriend to comfort me. But then, that's what friends are for. Somedays I do just want to cuddle, and I end up having to do it with my blanket wrapped around me, and laying on my bed as I hold Berry as tight as possible. Somedays I do wish I can say "I love you" to a guy, and not have to be afraid of what he'll do.... Maybe if I actually get a right boyfriend, I'll finally know what love is... what it feels like. Maybe he'll get my life on track. Instead of ending up surfing the net until 5 am in the morning... well, right now it's only about 1:30, so I'm good.
It's like having the perfect boyfriend is replacing your parents. Your parents took care of you, kept you from harm, helped you... now the boyfriend can do that. Now you don't have to disturb your parents so much. Like... did you guys hear about that earthquake a few weeks ago? I was up then, and I don't remember feeling it much, but I heard this THUMP, and I figured it was a tree, but it was like... by the cars, and stuff... then after that, I heard this ticking noise. A bomb was what first came into my head. I was really shook up, went outside armed with a flashlight, and I checked areas over and over again. So after that, still shaking, I went to my parents room and woke them up. I didn't care how I'd get told off. I was freaking out. All I need was comforting like back in the days when I would just have to scream if I had a nightmare, and my parents would come rushing to the room. Now, they've set rules. I can't wake them up for something stupid like a bothersome headache or a stomache that's slowly killing me inside. It's like now... I have to be bleeding to a critical point, or throwing up badly. I mean, EVERYONE needs to be comforted once in awhile. Well, they didn't give it to me. They told me to worry about it in the morning.... Typical. And yes, I've been crying since I started writing about this story. It's just that I needed someone then... and no one was there. I know it sounds pathetic how I freaked out so much, but you gotta remember... I've been off Zoloft for over a month now.
So basically, thinking about boyfriends makes me cry. I guess that's what I've been trying to say.
Today (well, I mean, Friday), Kill Hannah was on the Fuse Gets Malled Tour... freakin awesome. I never would've known that their shirt "Welcome to Chicago, Motherfucker" (their trademark song that they sang at 'our' concert) was banned from ALL schools across Illionis. Also I never would've figured out that the song "Love You To Death" was about kidnapping. Well, I guess it's like the people knew each other, and he fell for her so hard that he kidnapped her... you have to check out the lyrics: "Open your eyes, we're here/Are you okay?/I did all I could just to get you to stay/For so many years " that's not all of it... Mat said he actually had a dream that he was watching this band play a song where the chorus was "Love You To Death" and so when he woke, he started working on them. I just find dream-inspired arts amazing (writings, songs, paintings, etc.).
(Sorry. I DID have more written, well, like more detail, but I was on the main computer, and it does this thing where it restarts itself... and it did just that. So I lost it. I'm feeling better about it)
2:54 AM - Wednesday, August 16, 2006
I think I only have it now because of the sake that I USED to have it, and all the things I could miss. Also because of the news you can't get anywhere else.
Had my account for about a year now.
The other day, I was writing a blog about Kyle (R.I.P.) (for some reason, my fingers kept typing "Skyle"... must be a sign of some sort), and how I felt and stuff. It was my heart and soul RIGHT THERE, pressed "Preview and Post" then again... and guess what happened?
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
I DON'T KNOW!
It LOST it! GONE!! All my heart and soul that I had left from the past few days was GONE! And you know, the thing is... I DID copy it... but then my stupid brain made me copy something else right after it.... I was angry. I was angry at myself for a bit... then I've been angry at Myspace ever since...
NOW... however... well, a few minutes ago, I decided to go through "friend requests" "pending requests" "event invites" and looked through my inbox, saved mails, sent mails, all that stuff, just to feel clean... you know? Like cleaning your room and throwing out all the stuff you don't want or need anymore.
So, anyway, I clicked on the 'Saved' and I got... a disgusted surprise.... Wanna guess what I found?
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
Okay, there were 3 messages I... for some freaky reason... decided to save.
They were from 2 different people.
And yes, I like to drag things. Just to make you suffer.
These 2 people I now hate...
YES, hate. When I say hate, I know what I mean, just like if I said "love"... which I hardly say to people besides my parents. Because I hardly know how it feels.... But I know what hate is. When you want to screw them up mentally, then possibly pull out their spine.... Hasn't happened yet, but I have felt like it. Hate is the feeling of your heart on fire when you think of them.
You may have guessed who these 2 people are right now.... hint: they're both guys. Naive pricks, they are. And naive is my word of choice that can describe them BOTH over and OVER again!!!
Why??
They thought they knew me... when they didn't.
They thought they had me... they didn't.
They both fucking thought they loved me....
I DIDN'T.
Yeah.... Naive Micky and Naive Tom.
The first message was Tom replying to the message I sent to him the first day after winter break.
The title was: Thank you for killing me
and the body was: Congrats, here's a trophy
Then he replied saying something close to this: "I'm sorry if you feel that way, but if you want to make our breakup ugly, I don't want anything to do with it. What's happened has happened, let it die. I'm over you, so please get over me."
Okay, FIRST off (and I'm getting Deja Vu right now): Uh... I'M making it ugly and he has NOTHING to do with it? SECOND: Who's ever said "what's happened has happened, let it die" and MEANT it? THIRD: How the FUCK could he be over me, when he said he loved me. Huh? That's the question that gets my brain in knots. I don't think I'll ever get over Skyler... so does that mean that I loved him at some point?
I remember that message oh so well... it's what haunts my thoughts whenever they somehow flow towards him. The message was the HEART--it was the torn-up, bloody, broken heart--of the poem "Thank you for killing me" one of my most emotional poems that I can't even look at without thinking about him.
The second was from Micky. It was titled: "Please read," the second or third message he sent ever me, which said that he loved me. Can you say: NAIVE?!
What caught me off guard was... the picture... I met him in August of last year, and he promised me he'd show me a pic of him on my birthday. He said he would NEVER put his pic on myspace... yet there I was, looking at it... RIGHT THERE!
The third was from Micky titled "hi". Obviously the first message.
I clicked on the "select/deselect all" then "trash selected". I then was faced with the "Sorry! An unexpected error has occured!" page... I've always hated seeing that page... but now I have too look at the pictures of them again when I have to delete them... again.
Honestly, I feel really horrible right now. Like crying horrible. Heart tearing apart horrible. Can't ever love horrible.
Like my ephasising? I like it too. You can actually feel how I'm feeling a lot better. Sorry if you can't read it that well. Try highlighting.
A R C H I V E S
wasting my life away
- November 2011
- August 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009
- February 2009
- January 2009
- December 2008
- November 2008
- October 2008
- September 2008
- August 2008
- July 2008
- June 2008
- May 2008
- April 2008
- March 2008
- February 2008
- January 2008
- December 2007
- November 2007
- October 2007
- August 2007
- July 2007
- June 2007
- May 2007
- February 2007
- November 2006
- October 2006
- August 2006
- July 2006
- June 2006
- May 2006
- April 2006
- November 2005
- September 2005
- August 2005
- July 2005
- June 2005
- May 2005
- April 2005
- March 2005
- February 2005
A F F I L I A T E S
i am anti-social, yeah.
.: [ Daydream ] :.
.: [ There's Nothing Left to Do ] :.
.: [ So What? ] :.
.: [ Finding the Balance ] :.
.: [ Suck the Marrow ] :.
.: [ Close my eyes and I am falling away... ] :.
C R E D I TS
the idiot who spent forever on this skin
Play That Song
this skin is proudly brought to you by DancingSheep
I modified this blog a bit myself. Because I'm a bloody genius. So... XP