I'm just writing this for the sheer hell of it. It's something that's been bothering me for a while and it's making me feel.... distanced from the world. Britt, this does has something to do with that email I wrote last night (or rather this morning), but that was just some weird moodswing that the time of the month brings... I just watched Dark Water at Cascade 16, and it was definately MY kind of movie ^_^. I loved it sooooo much, it's now my favorite movie ever!! I was a little depressed and shaky when it ended... in the bathroom there was this little girl that looked similar to the little girl in the movie (Sessy... I think that's how you spell it), and she washed her hands, and then went over to the dryer next to me, and tried to reach up, but then she looked at me, and I gave her this... weird shaky smile, before she went to the lower dryer. Anyway, I do feel distant from things, and... I duno. I have a theory why I feel this... so I shall go on...

You all know that I have a special place in my heart for Skyler, right? Well, if you didn't, now you do. Oh, Britt, you have that pic of Skyler, right? Is it possible that you can send me the before and after pictures *cheesy grin*??? And you know that Skyler left for California on June 25th, the same day I got the stomach flu? Awhile ago, when I told my mom that Sky was moving, she told me that we could go visit him if I got his address... That was quite awhile ago, so I don't remember the exact words. So far, I haven't got a single word from him... I mean, I don't blame him for needing to get settled and stuff, I didn't expect him to call me to say that they were in Sacremento and he had to go unpack before his mom killed him.... But, I duno... I have this feeling that dwells in my heart that I'll never see him again, or worse; I never get to see or hear his words again.... I miss his voice and of course, the way he laughed. Now I'm just making myself cry, but I'm still smiling! Britt, I WANT THOSE PICS!!!! lol.

Britt, remember 3rd grade? Remember Stanley? Cara, do you remember Stanley? Omg... I feel like a dork saying this... but in 3rd grade, I used to think I loved him... That was until I realized he was a jerkass (MY WORD!!! NO STEAL!!) and that I was non-existant to him. I don't remember how long I liked him. But I think it's so odd that I was being blinded by Stanley to not notice when Skyler moved in.... Same class as Britt, Katie, Stanley, Will, and me. *sigh* I still have my diary that I wrote in in 3rd grade, and 4th... lemme find it... AHA!!! Found it!! I don't remember Ashley and Corey hating each other... OH!! Sorry, I'm reading it, and yea ^_^;;; I remember Emily!! She was awesome! LOL!! Britt, remember when Julia said that Katie wanted to go in the shower with Stanley?! I had that written in here... my god that's hilarious. Ok, Skyler was alive in June... I have his name written in here for June 22, 2000. He was a Native American (I remember I was a flower)... hmm, this was back when we called Will "Willy". I loved those read-a-thons (I'm now reading about 5th grade... I wrote about 4 things in 4th grade...)!!! lol, I called Spencer "Spenterd"... lol, that was because he was being a jerk. LOL, little Ryan got stuck in the bathroom (when we were in portables)... I so remember that. I just realized I didn't write anything about 9/11, but I remember that day a little TOO well. Mr. Larry... he was cool. lol, I was sooooooo thankful for finally leaving Maggie's (my old babysitter), that I wrote R.I.P. on the page (read in peace). I remember tug-o-war!!! That was fun ^_^. Dude, Karen was in my Cispus cabin? No wonder I had a bad time... Ok here's a list of people in my cabin: Bridget, Jennifer Brown, Mariah, Erin, Kayla Jensen, Andrea, Ali, Michelle LeGrand, Rachel Duffy, and Randa. My counselors were Kristen and Kelly (the short Kelly), they were better than I could've hoped for. Then the other group's counselors were Perri and Suana, I remember Perri (and I remember that she knew Matt, and that my counselors knew Matt, but not personally. They were like "You're brother is Matt Yates? Why didn't you tell us?" I said: "Wouldn't the fact that we have the same last name be obvious to you?" Matt is the shy, cheese man... just look at his picture in his senior yearbook... it tells you all. And he was voted the shyest person in his senior year. He's proud of that). Ok, in this WHOLE diary (I overflowed it with writing), I only said Skyler's name ONCE, and that was just naming him as a Native American in that play we did in 3rd grade. In other words, I was really blind... I don't remember anything interesting in 3rd grade that Sky was involved in *sigh*. Besides Stanley, I did have crushes on other people... not many... I did have phases like the one Britt's going through where I just didn't like anyone at the time. I didn't think anyone was cute or anything. I think I had a little crush on Josh Kemrer in 5th or 6th grade... that soon passed. I realized I had only liked him cuz he made me laugh and he was a little cute... now he just looks like the rest of them.

Lately I've been reading a little too many stories on Quizilla, but they have given me ideas for my story ^_^. They make me feel depressed and sad (in a good sorta way), but they make me miss Skyler even more (that's bad). Recently, life's been feeling dull... the same thing everyday. Days are colliding into each other and I can't decipher on day from another. I'm not doing drugs or anything, so it's not that. But I can't even remember if I took my anti-depressants today (aka, my medication). I have to actually THINK to figure out what day of the week it is, then I have to look at a calendar or ask someone to get the actual day. I'm not inspired right to write poems, but I feel the need to write stories. I've had too much time to think about life in general.


This part is about my history of depression... I remember in the summer between 6th and 7th, after Harry Potter 5 came out, and before my mom's surgery, I would go outside once in awhile, go down to where the pear trees and pulm tree is, and I would walk around, reciting poems I remembered and often crying. Why? The thing is... I don't know why I would cry everyday. I don't remember what I told myself why I was crying.... Life seemed darker, but I still liked the feeling of the sun on my skin. Now, life is dark and the sun doesn't make it feel any brighter, it just makes me feel worse. After my mom almost died, I locked myself in my room often. I remember that when she was still in the hospital, I spent 2 hours thinking. I just sat on my bed, looked at my window curtains, not really seeing them, just looking right through, and thought. I just sat there, thinking, not noticing things around me, not changing my position. The whole 2 hours I did that straight, it felt like only a half hour. I was only interrupted by my dad coming home... that was the worst month of my life... everything wasn't going well and I had to deal with the fact that my mom almost died and I had to take care of her if Matt wasn't up to do so. I had to deal with not seeing my dad when my mom was at the hospital. I declined invitings to go visit my mom, because I hate being in hospitals. The smell and feeling of death hangs in the air like fog... I just hate it. I'd cry myself to sleep often.... That was back when I didn't just think that it was going to get better, I knew it would. Back when I liked the presence of the sun as much as rain.

I'll end this now because... I feel a poem coming on!! lol